speed.is.my.forte

you've gotta be kidding!

2009-08-11T17:48:00.002+08:00

wokays! im back! last week of practicum was CRAZY! rushing out all the reflections and lesson plans etc. mad mad mad. but its over!!! woohoo! :D so. now its time to talk about the last week or so and all the various screw ups. i must say i totally cracked up over the SAA article that said that my coach only wants to break records by the minutest of seconds. hence my statement on Facebook:

"Chan pew only wants to break records by the minutest of seconds..." - SAA President Loh Lin Kok. SOMEBODY GET THE PRESIDENT A RECOURSE! please enlighten me, WHO BREAKS SPRINTS RECORDS BY SECONDS ANYWAY?! so hmm usain bolt is supposed to run from 9.77 to 8.77s to be considered a decent record breaker? nice. :D

haha i just had to take a dig at it. i mean, seriously? that is the most stupidest statement i have heard. sigh another sign of regression. ")

ok moving on. went to muar on Friday for a competition and we left at 730pm for msia. Surprisingly, everything was smooth at both checkpoints until an accident occurred on the highway in msia and the jam started. i slept at 930pm when we entered the jam and woke up at 1130pm just as we exited the jam! and then we got lost!!!! made 2 u turns and finally arrived at our hotel (or whatever resembled the likes of it) at 130 AM!!! my race? 10AM. so up i was at 7AM and off to the track for warm ups and the race. my gosh, this had to be my worst pre comp preparation ever, and although i didnt run that well, i think for the conditions i competed in, i am quite satisfied with everything. worst of all, the haze was so bad i could smell the burnt smell in the air and the field had smoke just above its surface!

and then i went for NDP! poor kev went with his crutches cos he didnt want to disappoint the girls. sweet... :D it was a really good show so till the next post when i finally upload the pics!

teacher thoughts

2009-08-01T10:08:00.003+08:00

Im finally coming to the end of practicum (yes im still not there yet cos i had to repay the leave i took to take part in Taiwan open. 1 extra week when technically, im serving the nation?!!! ironic.) so anyway it has been rather reflective for me. frankly, im appalled at what some of the kids think nowadays. had a conversation with a kid and he said that he doesnt greet teachers. teachers are just there to teach, we shouldnt care if the kid listens or not. what disturbed me most after the incident was that kids nowadays seem to think they are pride and joy of the world when i can honestly tell you, if i had a kid like that i'd tell him straight that he is the bane of the world. it is really disturbing that they take everything for granted and forget that they are prolly the world's biggest pain in the ass. i mean there are kids that are wonderful. mind you i have encountered some pretty angelic ones that truly seem to be God's gift to the world.

at the end of the day, i think as teachers we have to remind these kids that it is not our privilege having them in the school. rather, it is their privilege of having a school to be in. they need to learn that this is the system, deal with it. if majority of the kids can, then obviously the problem is with them. im not talking about different learning abilities here because yes i do believe that schools should try to cater to all abilities, and im not talking about rigid systems that demand a certain achievement level etc. i enjoy teaching kids especially those with lower learning abilities because the satisfaction you get from seeing them just respond, is immense. im talking instead about kids who just dont want to learn, and expect the system to push them along because they have had their way all along. yes it is so easy to just teach and not care. but as a teacher u ask yourself, is that my role? if i took that stand, i'd rather not teach. because frankly, it would be terribly unfulfilling.

at the end of the day, if i had a kid that behaved like that, i'd most prolly tell him a few things.

1. this is the system, learn to work in it now before you suffer in the working world.

2. play now for 20 years, but just be prepared to suffer for the next 50.

3. i can only show you your options and the consequence. i cant make YOUR choice.

4. if you cant live with this system, please leave the school and find somewhere that will cater to your whim and fancy. because mainstream schools teach you to grow up.

and lastly, for myself, there goes my Principal promotion offers. hahaha :D

major rampage

2009-07-13T12:41:00.004+08:00

ok i am riled up and ready to go.
after reading a blog post on singapore sports fan, i am even more compelled to write my blog. so for now. aside goes my marking.

ok firstly, let me make this clear. i would never have agreed to give a quote for an issue that has long been talked about had i known that it would subject my sacrifices for the sport, nation and my own passion, to ridicule. to allow someone to say that all i have worked for and done was not for the nation would be the biggest blasphemy i am subjecting myself to. and to not speak up against such a claim would be the biggest injustice i would be doing to myself, all who have supported me one way or another and to my coach who has had to endure countless DEFAMATION and slander.

the reason i do not go for training is because they simply have no respect for us athletes and coaches whom they seem to treat as pawns. i mean they do realise right that if there were no athletes and coaches THERE WOULD BE NO ASSOCIATION. at a meeting with mr tang, where my mum was present, it was agreed that there would be a meet up with all the athletes, personal coaches and parents regarding the changes, explanations and training plans. UP UNTIL THE FREAKING ARTICLE THERE HAS BEEN NO MEETING!!!!! so where is the respect for us when you remove our coach, impose on us plans that we have not been consulted on and insulting us by saying that we are not doing enough for the nation.

may i remind you, WE wrote the appeal letter for SEA Games, where WE RAN and broke the NATIONAL record for SINGAPORE. may i remind you that while i stayed in that stink hole of a hotel in Jordan while representing SINGAPORE at the Asian Track and Field Championships 2007, eating salty rice and fried chicken for lunch and dinner 7 days in a row, bathing in toilets that flooded 24/7 and had no hot water and squeezing into rooms meant for 3 but slept 5, our dear team manager and chairman stayed at some 5 star hotel (i think it was ritz). may i remind you that part of your title "Team manager" includes the word "TEAM" so shouldnt you be staying at the TEAM hotel? since you are so big on committing yourself to singapore then shouldnt you commit yourself to TEAM singapore?

so really, DONT you dare accuse me of not doing anything for the nation when really, all you have done is screwed up financial budgets, block meets and create extra challenges for us. i now understand why we do not have psychologists because with people like you around, it is enough to provide us with mental challenges that seem to stumble us much more EVEN BEFORE OUR COMPETITIONS. you think its so easy to train 6 times a week when we've got work in the morning and other commitments? you think its so easy to see your good friends go out while we commit ourselves to our sport by staying in to rest for training and competitions. you think its fun coming home late to only be able to join your family for dinner half way? you think its damn bloody fun having to worry about how to get the money to buy the next pair of spikes or track shoes or fund a competition or overseas meet? you think its not freaking tiring being in a sport for 12 years and seeing no progression but instead regression for the welfare of the athletes? you think its damn easy to come back from a torn arch, liver virus, hamstring tear and near bone fracture? WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT COMMITMENT?!

so really, dont come acting so magnanimous with such statements about committing to the nation and not to anyone else. please remember that i am not the one suing national athletes who have all but done all they can for the nation as competitors. i am not the one sacking coaches who have helped break NATIONAL records and keeping those who have national PAPERS. MOST IMPORTANTLY, i am not the one in charge of a NATIONAL association but still not making way for new blood, change and hopefully progression despite having been in the doldrums for years. talk about doing it for yourself. tsk tsk. cos really 20 over years is a long time my friend. and 20 years of stagnation should be called a national catastrophe. that sure is some national commitment eh? so yes, before you tell that to me, tell that to your boss. :D

holiday excitements!

2009-07-07T14:13:00.004+08:00

had my first and only (sigh... ) long weekend of practicum BUT it was happening man!!! haha before i start though, let me introduce CLOO! kev's and my baby british bulldog! i know i know, my reaction when kev wanted it was OF ALL CUTE NICE LOOKING DOGS, YOU WANT A BULLDOG???!!!! haha but i have since changed my perception. really, bulldogs are one of the most gentle, manja, loving, cuddly and friendly dogs around. Cloo doesnt bark (except when he's being a coward and sees his reflection or hears a loud sound...haha), is totally non aggressive (he'd even let a dog bite him while he protects chip) and loves to sleep AND SNORE! so anyway, introducing cloo at 4 mths!

ok. so now that he has grown up, hes 7 mths now... hormones have started to rage, :D and kev refuses to snip. haha so. this is cloo before we bought him a pillow to replace his ikea bed we threw away after he had to much action with it haha. he looks so sad right?

and this is cloo after we gave him a pillow!!!!! he went on and on and on for hours!!!!! only food could distract him!!!
doesnt he look happy????!!!! :Dand extremely satisfied??? :D

so there... introducing CLOO!

ok next up, saturday was evon's wedding!!! Sclub made up her band of 'jie meis' as we tortured poor danny and his brothers... fancy eating lemon and skin whole! or that disgusting small bittergourd thingy... gross. haha and of cos what is Sclub without the usual goofiness of resident clowns sheryl and michelle? haha while sheryl was holding evon's wedding umbrella, she opened it!!!!! and then while we were getting ready forthe dinner, sheryl could not believe that the wedding cake was fake and promptly went up to CUT THE CAKE!!! hahaha and then there was michelle. who was so emersed in her teacher role that she went up on stage to give the commands for assembly, with the whole foot stamping and arms by the side and all!!! haha hilarious! and the night ended wonderfully with kev accompanying me at the table as we celebrated the union of Evon and Danny. Congrats you two!!! Wishing you a blissful and blessed marriage ahead! :D

hold it! :D

2009-07-01T13:34:00.002+08:00

ok here's another post because i have so much time. haha just little excerpt of cayla's quirks again.

cayla: i need to go to the toilet!!!!
(so we rush her to the toilet)
claire: (SCREAMING) CAYLA!! Take off your panties!!!
cayla (who already ran to the toilet and is sitting on the toilet bowl): i cant!!!!
claire: manda che che!!! cayla doesnt want to take off her undies!!!
me: cayla???!!!!
claire: she says she will not be able to hold her pee if she takes it off.
me: THEN HOW ARE YOU GOING TO PEE WITH IT ON ANYWAY?!!! hhahahaha
cayla: hmf!!!

it was absolutely hilarious as my aunty later shared that cayla and claire can have a very long war of words while cayla is sitting on the toilet bowl, in a desperate need to pee but cannot take off her undies. our solution? we repeatedly tell her "hold. cayla! hold. hold. ok pee.... NOW!) :D

B.O.R.E.D

2009-07-01T13:13:00.003+08:00

boredom has just hit a new level. I AM SO BORED!!!!! I am so bored here's a list of things i can do.

1. have a conversation on facebook WALL. yah where immediate response does not normally take place.
2. find as many shoes as i want to buy from online and still have 3 hours to the end of school.
3. check online straits times every minute that it is updated.
4. have many many meals (i wish) if not for the canteen food being so bad that they open canned sardines to sell cos they dont have enough food for teachers.
5. update all softwares on my computer.
6. book physios and massage appointments.
7. reply every email sent within 5 minutes.
8. it is Day 2 and im already singing "somebody kill me, anybody kill me"
9. runaway to home that is 5 minutes away, sleep and come back and still have many hours till the bell rings.
10. blog nonsense because THERE IS NOTHING ELSE TO DO!

little miss forgetful

2009-06-27T21:29:00.003+08:00

had a recent conversation with cayla over the phone where i gave her a message to pass to her mum. THANK GOD i remembered that cayla's memory is that of a goldfish where she practically DOES NOT remember. hahaha

here goes:
Me: Cayla, when you guys are ready can you call and then I will drive over and pick you up?
Cayla: Ok.
Me: Ok remember k. Can you tell your mummy what i said?
Cayla: Ok! Bye! (Enthusiastically!)
Me: WAIT! Ok what did i say?
Cayla: Erm... What? (INNOCENTLY!)
Me: Cayla! Tell your mummy what i said. When you guys are ready can you call and then I will drive over and pick you up.
Cayla: Ok. BYE! (ENTHUSIASTICALLY!)
Me:CAYLA!!!!! CAYLA!!!! COME BACK HERE!!
Cayla: What? (innocently! ARGH!)
Me: TELL MUMMY NOW! Let me hear you say it.
Cayla: Ok. What?
Me: *IN UTTER EXASPERATION.* Repeat after me now...
Cayla: *repeats and then emphatically says - BYE!

seriously, if she didnt sound so innocent and cute I'd have banged my head into the wall and proceed to strangle her. haha but it was so hilarious i went into a laughing fit! and of cos when you see her, you just want to laugh and cuddle and hold her soooo close to your heart. THIS is cayla... little miss forgetful. :D

taught her this when she was really young... TUMMY IN!

TUMMY OUT! haha watch her do it repeatedly and you'll go into a laughing fit!and when she isnt clowning around, thats my little miss beautiful. :)

second best?

2009-06-03T17:23:00.003+08:00

sometimes i really wonder if people do realise what they are saying, especially when they are holding influential and public positions. sometimes i wonder if people who make speeches actually write their own speech and if they didnt, do they even check on the background? tsk tsk. who am i referring to? our very own Deputy Prime Minister Teo Chee Hean who was quoted in the papers as saying "But sports is like that. At the end, there's one loser and one winner. One will get selected, one will not.", in reference to the the newest (and weekly :)) saga that SAA has gotten into -The selection of an athlete for AYG based on heats timing even though that athlete has lost in 2 most recent races (including the finals) against the other athlete up for nomination.

ok here's my take on it. as always, i always must have a say. haha i think it is ridiculous and even comical that the head of the SNOC can even say something like that. being the head of sports in Singapore, one would expect a more in depth analysis and explanation of the whole situation. to put it simply, "If winning a race still makes you a loser, WHAT IS THE POINT OF HAVING FINALS?!!" so, if going by the same logic that our DPM seems to subscribe to, if i clock a Gold Medal timing at the heats of say, Sea Games, am i entitled to the $10,000? i mean after all, my timing beats the gold medal winner regardless of the final right? so technically, i'm still the winner? and of cos, we disregard the fact that the wind speed was different, the weather conditions were different, the opponents in the heats were different (less push maybe?), the athlete's ability to deal with stronger opponents varies according to the opponents... hmm. you know, going by the inefficiency and really utter hopelessness of the association, i dont expect any sense (and cents :)) from them. BUT! you are SNOC!!! OLYMPIC council!!!! if you cannot even apply the correct analysis techniques to determine the better athlete, i say go back to being an Amatuer Council! yes timing is important, but then you look at the overall average timing, you look at the difference in timing, and you would find that the athlete not picked has clocked a better average timing (51.49 vs 51.57) over the last 3 races as compared to the one picked. now tell me. DO I NEED TO TEACH YOU THAT?! sigh, no wonder the state of sports in Singapore and really. SO MUCH FOR TRANSPARENCY!!!

finding closure

2009-06-01T21:41:00.003+08:00

ok kev's going to totally agree that i ask alot of questions but somehow my mind likes to wonder and wander for that matter :) its been a while now (prolly since my uncle passed away) that i started thinking about what i would want to ask God when i get to heaven. of cos in the last 3 years alot of questions came up and i forgot most of them but here's an example, ive always wondered how the 5 loaves and 2 fish multiplied. like you know did the disciples see it replenish or they just kept taking without looking. ok stuff like that. haha i know i know like of all things to think about. but really its quite interesting!

so anyway, heard of someone's passing recently and thought back to my uncle and what i would ask when i get there. i guess i never really found closure for i could never really understand why, if given a choice someone would leave family behind. i was angry really until yesterday when my mum made us say the rosary and i listened to the reflections (im usually stoning lah but for some reason despite the HORRENDOUS heat, i was actually listening.) somehow it was like a revelation to my questions, doubts and anger. i always wondered about the day my uncle passed away. did he know we were outside? did he see our pain? did he choose to go? how could God take him away when my cousins were so young? was he there comforting us? all these questions never quite gave me closure and perhaps prevented it. you really cannot fully grasp the meaning of certain occurances in life and this was certainly one that i was struggling with.

we were saying the Glorious Mysteries guided by a prayer book and in the 2nd mystery, the bible passage used for reflection was Luke 24: 50-52, "After His ressurection, Jesus remained forty days with His Bl. Mother and the apostles and instructed them in His ways. Having completed the work of redemption entrusted to Him by the Father He ascends into heaven as the disciples look on." and then came the reflection points that triggered the revelation i had as i reflected. "He tells us that our true home is in heaven and one day we too will be taken body and soul into that home... Do i keep in mind that my life will not end with this world and that i am a traveller to heaven my true home?"

"Do i keep in mind that my life will not end with this world and that i am a traveller to heaven my true home?" This particular sentence struck me as i finally had answers to my questions. Life in this world and that of eternal life no longer seemed separated. Instead, life in this world was but a journey towards our final destination. and perhaps with that same reasoning, why would someone choose to return or backtrack the journey if they had already been given entry or had already reached their destination? it provided me closure because i no longer resented the fact that God took my uncle away or that my uncle chose to go. it allowed me to see that as Christians, our final home, destination should be heaven and life on earth is simply a journey. therefore, choosing to stay on this earth instead of dying and moving into the next life would only be a backtrack of a journey that is supposed to lead us to our endpoint. yes it still isnt easy to deal with the loss but when you can finally make sense of a part of the occurance, when you can finally answer some questions, i think i can finally find closure.

a massive tirade!

2009-05-30T11:28:00.003+08:00

back!!! and bloody pissed!!!!! two things, all assholes. that pretty much sums it up. first things first, gotta have my say on the recent SAA and Pahang issue since i was quoted but not completely. just to set things straight so that people who think that the athletes are wrong to have gone ahead know where im coming from. really, i dont give a shit whether SAA was invited or we didnt go through SAA for approval. the thing is, it is on my training plan. SO. ARE YOU BLIND?!!!!! well apparently not. because here is why i think they are the most sneaky, dishonest and really just dumb snakeheads. somebody. ANYBODY. PLEASE OVERTHROW THEM!!! yup its like a monarchy up there. :)

ok according to the article, SAA was quoted as saying Pahang did not invite them and under international ruling, the NSA must be given an official invite before its athletes are allowed to participate. the thing is, these are immaterial to me because-

1. you are the association and you have our training plans. therefore you should know beforehand which meets we are going for, and ensure we have the necessary invites.

2. SAA should know all the upcoming competitions because they have the calendar of events. if the affiliates know but the association doesnt, hmm that speaks inefficiency for itself right?

3. an official emailed me asking if i needed help with my NIE leave application for the pahang trip. doesnt this show that SAA knows i am going to pahang? then why did they not tell me that Pahang has yet to invite them?

4. when i emailed back to say i would be going under NTU, they disregarded my email and thereafter made no more correspondence over the pahang open. the reply came regarding another issue and this reply was made after i heard that we were stopped by them from participating.

5. if they knew i was going under NTU, why did they not tell me that they also need an official request from NTU and why did they not tell me that they had stopped us from going to the meet since they did so before their last reply to me?

really, whether they have an invite or not is immaterial to me because they obviously intentionally did not tell me directly that we are not allowed to participate. afterall, if they could send me an email asking if i needed help in leave application, one would assume that the go-ahead was already given. think about it, why would SAA offer to apply leave for me if they know that Pahang hasnt invited them and therefore we cannot go? would i still need leave IF I CANT GO?!!!!! are you just upset that we have found our own sponsors because we refuse to be a part of the co-op scheme that requires us to pay for our competitions even if we break national records? so yes, go ahead and lie your way through, saying that you didnt get invites and we didnt ask for your blessings. lucky for you, the press has to be impartial in their writing and didnt expose this correspondence. but just remember. watch your backs. the past always comes back to haunt you when you lie your way through. tsk tsk. :)

next issue. ok im really lazy to type so here's my facebook post - Amanda Choo is extremely pissed off at the stupid NISSAN who doesnt know that in a merging lane, YOU BLOODY GIVE WAY TO THE RIGHT! (ESPECIALLY IF THE CAR IS IN FRONT!!!!!) DUH-UH?!!!! still dare to jam break, stare, throw a petty fit and take down my number!

the one thing i regret though is not going down to speak to the guy myself and scream that in his face but kev shooed me away so yah. haha oh well peace peace peace.... :) but wait. let me say a few words first. i was turning from shenton way and was on the right most lane. however, it merges with the left lane (WHY ON EARTH IS THE FASTEST LANE A MERGING LANE ANYWAY???!!!) and so this nissan came up on my left and started to try to speed up. but for some stupid reason or other (which seems to corresponds with his behaviour anyway... :)), he decides to stay next to me and i needed to turn right! so i slowed down and he went past and stared and used his hand to do something. word of advice? DO NOT STARE WHEN BOTH OF US ARE IN THE CAR! :) and then i went behind him and he jammed break!!! SERIOUSLY?! so i horned till the cows came home, hehehe, drove past and told him off. and he tailed me all the way to our destination, took down my number and threatened us! argh!!!

so. here's a few pointers you irritating nissan driver.

when you are on the left, you give way to right!

when its a merging lane, it really means the lane is going to merge!

so if the car is on your right and in front of you, YOU GIVE WAY!

when you made a mistake, keep your eyes to yourself!

if you cant even follow traffic rules, keep BOTH HANDS ON THE STEERING WHEEL!

when you want to jam break, go fix your breaklights or that could land you in trouble!

when you want to jam break with NO CAR IN FRONT OF YOU, be prepared to get horned!

when you do something stupid like that, be prepared to get told off!

when in the car, i really cant shout at you so only hand signs work (and the horn)!

and lastly, take my number for all i care. but oh, dont bother buying 4D, it hasnt come out in months... ")

spot the resemblence!

2009-04-19T15:30:00.003+08:00

HOW CUTE IS THIS!!!!!! hahaha yup thats cayla at 6 (ok she's really a nagger so if she can read this she'll prolly remind me till i change it, that she's 5 PLUSSSSSSS) hahahaha and thats cayla at 1? seeing this photo really cracks me up man! anyway, i've got an iphone now... YES MY FIRST OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT :) and i totally understand why the girls have been so addicted to it. haha been playing this game called Sextuple (no no no nothing sexual there you pervs... haha) its just that from a 6 letter word you have to find as many 3-6 letter words as possible. so anyway its really good cos you wreck your brains to find the words and its actually improving my vocab! of cos sometimes it makes me proud to be an english teacher and at other times i feel like denying it cos sometimes im just blind to seeing the damn word! :) so with my iphone now, it spells the end of iphone wars since they can use mine and his! finally some peace!!!!! hahaha

the epitomy of will power, the epitomy of coach.

2009-04-11T11:27:00.005+08:00

ok ok i know i havent blogged in AGES!!!! haha "so much to say so much to do..." :) ok in a crazy mood now but have decided to sit down and blog cos its not too warm now and i have a fan blowing at me. you see, I.HATE.HEAT. and our living room fan short circuited a month or so back, hence i could never sit at my comp long enough to blog. but today i have lugged out the fan from my mum's room (because im too lazy to carry the lappy into my bedroom :D) and hence my first post in a while. ok now back to the post.

so first up, what else but my coach! haha went to train on Good Friday at 330pm and it was POURING. i swear i could imagine the headlines on saturday saying 'Singapore registered the highest rainfall yesterday...' so anyway. i still made my way down because i was pretty sure the rain would stop. and IT DID! not because it was raining for damn long but because my coach, mr loh, seriously controls the weather. hahaha ask siaomei, she'll say the same thing. when it rains and the sch kids are like "yes!!!! its raining!!!!" both of us have the same reaction... "aiya, when mr loh comes, the rain will stop" seriously, in the 7 years ive been training with him, i think rain has only cancelled training less than 5 times.

so i took half an hour to get from opposite tampines mall to tampines mall. this brings me to - STUPID SBS BUSES WHO THINK THEY OWN THE ROAD AND INCLUDE YELLOW BOX PLEASE!!! yah those idiots (ARGHHHHH! please understand i have symptoms of roadrage after 1 month of lenten sacrifice to not horn, curse or flash lights :D) insist on turning even when the light turns red and because the drivers seemingly forget that the ass of the bus is OBVIOUSLY MUUUUUUCCCCCCHHHHH bigger and longer than their own, once they (as in just the driver seat) has crossed the line, they think the whole bus has. omg. LTA KEEP UP THE FINES!!!! :) evil evil...

so anyway, siaomei and i finally reached stadium at 4pm and would you believe it the downpour was only a drizzle!!!! and when mr loh walked in at 430, the rain stopped!!! BUT thats only part 1. becos, now on top of the TOP COACH award which he so deserves for his coaching abilities, here's another reason why he is SUCH a motivation. Mr Loh, is truly what i call "the epitomy of 'When there's a will, there's a way" hahaha the ACS boys were rejoicing that they stadium was booked from 5pm to 10pm for preparation of an event. as usual, siaomei and i, already privy to mr loh's exceptional will power, told them that mr loh will find a way. and he did. he said "preparation only, still can use. anyway ah, the workers all know me (from his previous job)." and so there was training. it happened once before also during an MOE Staff event. He knew the zone suprintendent and managed to get us into the stadium to train at the long jump pit side of the track. so you see, my coach - the epitomy of will power. :) (ok tell him this and he will tell you his usual story on how he trained even after being shot in the hamstring... i have heard it 10 times haha)

so, here are some pics i took of him at a park. with his will power, if he wanted a "Coach Lot' im pretty sure he can get it. hahaha ooooohhhhh.... with such a strong power, someone's gotta watch his back! haha no prize for guessing who! asshole. :)

so anyway, with all the recent happenings about my coach, i was tasked to write an article on my opinion about my coach for the NTU newsletter.

here's the link!http://www3.ntu.edu.sg/chronicle/sports/vol15no10/p4.html

but. that is the watered down version. hahahaha so. here's the original.

"With the recent debacle over the sacking of my coach Mr Loh Chan Pew, little has been said by and about the team regarding all he has done for us.

As it stands, there is currently no women’s relay team training together despite SEA Games being a mere 9 months away. Yet, the relays are the only events in athletics that require team work because of the baton passing which is key to shaving off at least 2s from the athletes’ combined timings. This skill is not one that is acquired through individual training but is honed through practicing and running with each other. From the accuracy of the take off, to the passing of the baton, these are specific factors that each athlete must know about the other before executing a perfect pass; and it is this chemistry and familiarity that the record breaking team had, that led to their success.

This begets the question then, why was Mr Loh sacked despite all he had achieved? Bringing a team together, fostering a bond, breaking a junior record and finally the national record that had stood for more than 10 years. It is this same question that I am unable to accept the change and that I question, because of all that he has done, most of which has not been highlighted to many, but is fundamental in our support for him.

So what has he done and why is the best to us?
For one, the revival of the national women relay squad is solely because of Mr Loh’s foresight, effort and patience.
Foresight for starting a team whose average age was 16, seeing the potential in them to better their timings individually and as a team over the next few years of training. Effort in building up this team, taking it upon himself to persuade them to come together and train in a concerted effort to qualify for Sea Games and break the national record. Patience as he trained, encouraged and waited over 4 years and 2 Sea Games before the team finally achieved their aims.

Tell me then, on what grounds is his sacking justifiable if the team’s existence and success is attributed to him? Does it make any sense to take away someone’s creation that has been producing positive results and passing it on to others who have had no experience with it?

His experience, knowledge and network have also aided in the team’s progression, all of which should have come from those with higher qualifications in terms of certificates and courses. He had pushed for the junior team to take part in the Taiwan Open in 2005, having discussed and enquired from his Taiwan counterparts on the standard and participatory rate for that meet. Although the SAA was initially reluctant to allow the team to participate, Mr Loh pushed for the team to go and subsequently, we broke the national junior record there. He knew that there were more participants of quality and similar standards that would give us enough competition to achieve a good timing. And it paid off.

This then brings me to my next point, belief. For a coach to patiently try over and over again over 4 years for a team to succeed, Mr Loh must surely have had belief in us to achieve the potential he saw. This belief culminated itself when in 2008, SAA introduced a co-op sharing scheme that had athletes paying a percentage of the cost for overseas trips if we did not meet a stipulated timing. During the 2008 Taiwan Meet, Mr Loh wrote a cheque of about $1000 to pay for the whole team should we fail to meet the timing set for us. He had the immense belief that we would achieve the target set and was willing to sacrifice his own money just to encourage us and use it as an outward show of trust.

With all he had done and all that people have questioned, SAA had to provide an answer they deemed satisfactory enough for this change – the need for new blood and proper qualifications. Reasons I can easily contest given the many ambiguous points I can bring up having been in the sport for more than a decade now.

Firstly, why the need for new blood when the president has been at the helm for over twenty years? To sack someone who has brought progression but not someone who has had some sort of regression, it only makes me wonder, is regression the new progression? Afterall, the four professional athletes who paved the progression for SAA to move from amateur to a full association have either, disappeared, left, were being sued or are suing. For an association that sued its own athlete more than a decade ago to one that is still suing its athletes, where is the progression in better athlete and association communication, welfare and relationship?

Secondly, the coaches taking over the women’s relay team are not new. They have been in the coaching panel as long as my coach has been coaching the women’s team and they are still coaching the Men’s relay team. If new blood is the way to go, then why not apply the same reasoning to the Men’s team when the women’s team has at least been on par with the men’s team in terms of achievements?

Lastly, as I have mentioned earlier, if regression is the new progression, then that would be the only reason I can fathom why they would replace my coach and seek new blood from coaches who have faced disciplinary problems in terms of fighting incidents, smoking and drinking incidents and secret excursions during overseas competitions.

With regards to proper qualifications, in a practical field such as sports, one can see that paper qualifications do not necessarily equate to results. A perfect example would be why a technical director with the highest qualifications may not produce a better athlete than the coach. One may be able to provide the best answers, but in the world of sports, if you cannot produce an athlete, your answers would simply remain as words and figures no matter how high you pride yourself.

At the end of the day, action speaks louder than words, and as cliché as that may sound, this incident is a perfect example. All that SAA has to back up its arguments are words and figures, but for Mr Loh, it is his efforts and results that hold testament to all that the girls have achieved. And it is these actions that have led so many to question SAA who would as expected provide only answers no one who aims for progression would apply.

As an athlete who truly wants progression, it would only make sense for me then to follow my coach and train under him. For even without the athletics paper qualifications, I am pretty sure regression does not lead to progression, it simply prevents succession; an aim that perhaps some obviously may want."

Thank God!

2009-03-14T15:40:00.002+08:00

yes really... THANK GOD. had my first race since December and havent been training as well as i should be so i was actually preparing myself to accept defeat today. its always hard to swallow your pride especially when you are at the top and i did lose some sleep over it :) oh come on, we all have fears of failure and loss of reputation. but anyway, went to my uncle's niche and saw the phrase "i have fought a good fight, i have finished the course, i have kept the faith." reminded me of the need to just trust in the Lord and let Him lead according to His will. and seriously, i was so calm at the start line it was really a first. i have a good game temperement but i have really, seriously (haha babes, Gordon Ramsay!!! :D) ok private joke with my dearest... :) never been THAT calm. so Thank God! :) speaking of which, Thank God that BOTH of us did well eh? im so proud of you!!! :) +hugs!+

your presence.

2009-03-08T23:19:00.002+08:00

God has his ways of answering your prayers at the most unexpected times while making you wait, sort out your thoughts and learn to be patient... which i totally did not have. haha so anyway im glad things have turned out the way they have. im glad for everything slow and steady, for the privacy and for the little world of our own we have created. more importantly im glad to have you in my life now, because really, just the thought of you brightens up my day. gone are the days of dates on streets and in cinemas, things that are on a shallow level. instead ours is one that has endless conversations, laughter, hard training and just each other's presence. this is really happiness and peace on a whole new level, something that i know is a blessing i am truly thankful for. :)

how?

2009-03-07T17:01:00.002+08:00

how can you preempt something for a day and still get bothered by it? how do you try and block something for so long and still feel affected? how can you be in something for so long and still not acknowledge it. how?

VOTE NOW!!!!

2009-02-27T18:07:00.002+08:00

EVERYONE!!! please vote for mr loh at the following website to be the top coach! its abit of a hassle BUT!

you will be helping us prove a point to the suckers who refuse to give him the recognition he so rightly deserves.

you will be standing up to an association that needs a complete overhaul.

you will be giving a slap in the face to one of the biggest tyrants (and add aashole to that...) that i know.

you will be helping us prove a point that at the end of the day, true character and passion matters more than tyranny and dictatorship.

at the end of the day, we will prove you cant buy respect, you earn it.

let's salute mr loh! THANK YOU!!!!! :)

website: http://www.singaporesports.sg/posbchampions/home.aspx

Coach: B01 LOH CHAN PEW

PASS IT AROUND!!!! :)

loves of the day!

2009-02-22T11:11:00.001+08:00

had lunch with claire and cayla yesterday and cayla was absolutely hilarious in her many attempts to remember her ABCs and days.

me: cayla, can you say the alphabets?

cayla:ok! a,b,c,d,e,f,g,j,k,m...

me: CAYLA???!!!!!

cayla: i cant remember already...

me: hahahaha

-------------

me: ok say your days.

cayla: saturday, sunday, monday, tuesday (im getting very impressed here... ;D) , wednesday, friday...

me: CAYLA???!!!

hahaha yes the lil one simply cannot remember her sequences... but can speak in a wonderful british accent, pick up various slangs of languages, strikeup any pose consecutively, do gym routines just like that and be stretched till even i wince in pain looking at her. :)

oh how she's grown up... fighting with me for every slice of abalone, standing in front of the mirror and saying "i'm beautiful!", rolls her eyes when you say something stupid... haha

and then there's claire! her birthday party's today!!! we're throwing a bash for her with an art course conducted by my sis for all her friends! that little miss is turning 10 already! how time flies! look out for party pics soon!!! :)

this is the claire that every morning when i fetch her to school will jump up the minute i wake her even if i try to do it as gently as possible.

me: claire... (softly with a small pat on the leg)

claire: *JUMPS!* *seatbelt flies across, chair hurriedly jerks up!*

me: calm down! (in shock)

claire: *stones and waits till i drop her right at the front steps.*

hahaha every morning it tickles me to see her reaction. :)

and then there's you. come back quick! :) tomorrow seems years away!!! you whose words brighten up my day, touched me deeply, makes me feel so happy. you whom without your presence makes the days pass slowly. you, whom i miss dearly.

setting the record straight.

2009-02-12T11:52:00.003+08:00

*before i begin, my coach is MR Loh Chan Pew. some have asked if i changed coach because they have misread the article. again i state. I will never go under someone else in Singapore because there just isnt anyone better.*

going to set some things straight because i realised nothing has been said about mr loh's real achievements and dedication to the team. was thinking the other day and some facts that the straits times didnt bring up included the all important point that the revival of the national women's relay squad is solely because of mr loh. if he didnt have the foresight to start a team back in 2003 and patiently and painstakingly build it up for 4 freaking years, Singapore wouldnt even have a national women's relay team.

we wouldnt have broken such a longstanding record and we wouldnt have a squad that can attribute the win to such a tight chemistry between the members. we wouldnt have athletes to show for who have persevered on despite being in mainstream schools. athletes who were not in sports school, had minimal support in terms of sports science and had to balance O'levels and A'levels while fighting an adminstration that was supposed to be our only ally in a society that views academics as above all. we wouldnt have created history and be the first team in 14 years to represent singapore at the sea games. we wouldnt have been the only singapore team to run below 47secs electronic AND handtimed ever in the HISTORY of singapore.

SO! dont tell me we need new blood because for as long as i can recall, the president of SAA has been at the helm of it even before i was born. and gosh! its still as screwed up as before!! its still suing its own athletes from Haron Mundir to Er Xiao xu and Luan Wei. it still takes FOREVER to give us our grants and it even got better! it didnt apply for any grants this year! hmm im actually beginning to think that in the eyes of them, regression is the new progression. wow... so profound that it probably needs a few rounds of drinks to fully grasp the meaning of this. which is probably why only they can understand. (read between the lines... )

and as for the coach that took over us. he has been at the helm of the men's team as far back as 2003! so the men's team, which has faced disciplinary action, fighting incidents and secret excursions (read dead sea) does not require any change while the women's squad that has broken 2 national junior records and 2 national records need a change of blood? so the coach that has brought athletes to smoke and coaches who chain smoke in their rooms need not be replaced while the one that has been achieving but is to be changed for the LAMEST reason of new blood should be replaced? wow! a-m-a-z-i-n-g. NOT :)

i think its just pure jealousy that SAA replaced mr loh because he built the entire team up by himself. he has shown the adminstration that they are REALLY useless and redundant when it comes to the very fundamentals of their job. to bring up athletics in singapore. the very first time the national junior record was set, it was done at taiwan open which mr loh fought for us to go because he felt that it had a good and similar standard to push us. SAA was reluctant and so only the women's team was sent. and guess what?! for the next few taiwan opens since that year, more athletes have been wanting to go taiwan. and the very first time we made it to SEA Games, we fought the battle OURSELVES. by going to the higher ups, and bypassing the most inefficient and useless adminstration i have ever met. can i add discouraging too because one of the office staff has ever commented to us that we won't make it. yes you didnt do a thing for us and you're never getting any credit for the records. dont say you rewarded us with monetary rewards. for all i've sucked up and put up with, i seriously think i deserve it considering our attire is for every 2 years and our competitions are co shared by us. not forgetting the blood boiling moments that may result in high blood pressure.

so yes now you understand why i cannot simply back down and be part of an administration that has done NOTHING when all i have achieved so far is because of my coach. perhaps the only thing i can credit SAA for is the fact that they have pushed us this far by being the most intolerable, redundant, and pathetic leaders. thank you.

you dont buy loyalty. when you do, all you get are lackeys and all that makes you is an AAS. :)

a lil bit of aggression :)

2009-02-12T00:41:00.001+08:00

bloody shagged from the netball icg!!!! we managed to get into the final rounds which is good considering our netball skills are quite rusty... haha and gosh my aggression really showed today when i argued with the umpire that i wasnt offside when i actually was! and guess what?! i convinced him cos i looked damn sure. :) laugh at me all you want cos anyway i got the ball and we got the goal!!! hahaha thank God i wasnt wearing the class tee that had me as ' Little Miss Bossy" :D so true eh... anyway thats the end of icg for year 3... gosh it dawned on me that we are going into our final year of icg and then we're out of the sch!!!! freaking fast!!! time flies man! so thanks to all who came down to help out with the logistics and playing and umpiring. we are true multi taskers!!! :)

teardrops.

2009-02-08T11:30:00.003+08:00

can i cry now? its really heartbreaking and i wish for it all to be over. i cant train under someone i do not respect, do not trust, do not think has the capabilities or is even an ounce better than my coach. i cant. i really really cant. dont give me this bullshit talk that its new blood, that some AASholes think he is better so we should go along. never trusted their judgment never will trust their judgment. who would have thought that if i were to leave, it would be because i was caught in a crossfire. but all along i've told myself, if i ever had to change coach and be forced to train another coach in singapore i'd rather leave, id rather stop. simply because there just isnt anyone better. im standing by my coach not just because im being stubborn or blinded by loyalty. its about not succumbing to societal pressures to do what you must to survive. sorry but i do not subscribe to a dog eat dog world. i will not. simply because as it is, ive already taken the path of non conformity to go after my passion in a world that believes money comes first. i will not back down to survive, simply because i got into this because of my own passion. and no way am i going to let your filthy hands turn this passion into something that is done purely out of survival, greed and the need for glory. im fine being a sprinter thank you very much. i do not run for meets, i run for my own personal goals. and you are never getting any recognition for it SAA.

boiling point

2009-02-07T12:37:00.002+08:00

ok i do not know how to describe my current state of mind. put it this way. if i vent my anger in the usual manner with blasting music and high speeds and it doesnt go away, then i must be really mad and irritated and upset and lost. simply, i am caught between short term and long term consequences. between emotions and rationalism. between holding fort and all out war.
it sucks being the middle person handling both sides. caught on the thin line of loyalty while in actual fact im only trying to ensure that we do not fall into their traps, we do not lose our footing, we maintain our conduct and we stay as a team. some just dont understand how stuck i feel because its not as simple as doing the right thing, maintaining order. im dealing with human emotions here, human minds. sucks to be me i can tell you. but whatever it is, mr loh's my coach and always will be. and with emotions in play, i can safely say, at the end, my concern for him will always guide my actions first. heart over mind they say. for me, at the end, when i retire, i'd rather look back and know i did my coach proud, i gave back what he has done for me. this rather than feeling the regret and pain knowing that i have let down the one person that truly cared how i fared in my running career. hmm has it ever occured to anyone why no one ever thanked the association? haha need i say more?

new blood? im sure you all have plenty since you are all such bloodsuckers.

its my turn to speak. ha! :)

2009-02-06T11:47:00.002+08:00

past post: just got official info about the change of coach for the women's relay team. because i am really angry and bloody frustrated with everything and everybody and the email had to come like now when im already so pissed at irritating people and person who like to screw up the usual way, i am going to say it as it is, as how i completely feel towards the idiots who made such a decision. go to hell you bloody f***ing morons. i swear i despise you to the very core of your being and resent you for whatever little worth you have on this earth. seriously, you give me a coach that has the qualifications and achievements to prove his superiority, i will accept it. but when you give me one who 1. struts on the track as if he owns it 2. shouts 'f***' at athletes and anyone alike on the track 3. hasnt got a thing to prove better than my coach. well you know what? damn you, your people, your association. never had my respect, and never will. and mind you im not talking about the coach who has been appointed. im talking about that fellow sitting prettily at champions lane in his office. maybe you should take your paper qualifications and stuff it up your head. filling up that empty space up there with abit of academia might just trigger something which is better than nothing. maybe then you can give me some logical explanation for your idioticness. but oh wait its prolly cos you are just well. an idiot. :D

the fight doesnt end here by the way. not going to take this lying down, never will. not when it involves my team and my coach. im going to say it here. we fought our own fight to get to sea games, we broke that record, we set history, we made us where we us today. it had absolutely nothing to do with you and the bloody asses sitting with you. all you did. was be an obstacle.

they say never incur the wrath of a woman? im telling you this. never incur the wrath of a woman sprinter. its the perfect equation of pure aggression.

this issue does not end here. not if i can help it. not until ive had my say. ")

I told you i'll have my say... ") hope it was a pleasant wait and an even more pleasant surprise. BASTARDS :)

new year firsts

2009-01-30T14:21:00.002+08:00

okay im back! but not with pics cos havent had time to edit with picasa... and you know what i'll say about picasa so yah... :) the new year was great fun! although i was sick... which is a good thing cos that kinda stopped me from junking :D God's own way of ensuring discipline... sweet. haha anyway. this new year has had many firsts! for one i havent gambled at all. i havent played mahjong. i went to visit my nanny for the first time in two years. i met new cousins that had existed for the past 22 years but never knew. and mind you they are 2nd cousins so still quite close. i had company for the first time during Chinese New Year dinner. :D ok enough said. haha pics coming up soon! so yes but what touched me most was the visit to my nanny's place. more about that in the next post!

its been a while but its still going to be a while. and yet during this while, alot would have occured if it was another.

a moment

2009-01-19T13:32:00.006+08:00

no matter how much one achieves or has, somehow in this world, the majority judges by what is on the exterior, what is visible. you try to push it away, these feelings of inadequacies because you know its based on pure pride. but yet you have your moments, your moments of inadequacies because at the very end, no matter how much you try to protect yourself, no matter how hard you convince yourself, you know that everyone looks at external first, compares external first before anything else. and then of course you ask yourself, who wouldn't prefer something tangible, rather than the intangible.

philosophy and me :)

thank you... :)

2009-01-15T00:36:00.005+08:00

had the most special and memorable breakfast ever today! cant say much but i really appreciated and loved it very very much. it was sweet and special, meant alot, a great way to start my day! thank YOU :) lots of love! " )

simply amazing. loves! :)

okok finally i know.. haha ")

2009-01-14T22:51:00.009+08:00

ok!!! finally my photos are up!!! stupid picasa keeps pissing me off and you know how i am with waiting... TOTALLY HATE IT. so yes impatient me offs the comp and goes away everytime it hangs. thus the loooooong wait for this post :D. anyway. it is finally up! bangkok was SOOOOO fun! jess and i shopped till we dropped. literally. we slept at like 10 everyday... routine goes like this. wake up. shop. lunch. back to hotel to deposit stuff. shop. dinner. massage. star movies. sleep. hahaha tell me about it. LIFE! whee! :) we stayed right in the middle of pratunum market (which explains why we were completely left without money haha), so it was practically shopping from the first step. stupidly we saved 700 baht each thinking we had to pay airport tax so on the last day, we were practically walking around the malls, penniless and moping about the stupid airport tax and the lack of funds. hahaha when we got to the airport we were SOOOO pissed but then again it forcefully saved us some money to have a good meal which on hindsight was a good thing la. haha :D so we went to chinatown, chatuchak, MBK and walked pratunum EVERYDAY, platinum mall EVERYDAY, and still found things to buy EVERYDAY! haha which also explains why we came back with 10kg more of stuff each :) and about food. oh dont get me started. haha the freshly squeezed orange juice was OUT OF THIS WORLD i drank at least 2 bottles everyday! haha the street food there is simply fantastic so for all those who are scared of food poisoning and what nots.... 1. you dont know what you are missing. 2. ITS WORTH THE FOOD POISONING! haha ok i cant talk anymore cos it makes me want to go back so badly!!!! so here are the pics! enjoy! :)

our faces say it all. simply fantastic! ")

shopping mad!

2009-01-05T23:27:00.002+08:00

okies im back! safe and sound!!! will post my photos soon o---k... just got to get the dreaded school term sorted out... haha so be back in a few days!!! just needed to say im back and thank you to all who have been concerned over my safety... :) appreciate your loves!!! :) be back in a bit!!!

im off! :)

2008-12-31T23:58:00.003+08:00

ok here are the pics!! and prolly my final post before i leave for bangkok! :) oh yes... HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! finally the end of quite a horrendous year... haha but it ended well! whee! " ) looking forward to a great year with new resolutions and beginnings! alrights going to get ready for my trip. hope it'll be real fun and relaxing!! :) time to chill!!! haha be back in four days but going to miss some people SOOOO much!!! especially you... " ) loving you all always... *hugs!*

to a blessed and loving year ahead!

beginnings...

2008-12-30T10:45:00.004+08:00

ok ok ok!!! i know ive been missing for ages!!!! :) some people know why, most do not but never mind. i'll blog tomorrow but ive just been really busy and too damn lazy to edit my photos of AUG and post them up. doesnt help that stupid picasa always hangs on me!!! and i hate it when my posts are all words and no pics. so yes i'll do it tomorrow!!! cos if not i'll have a pile up of photos once i return from thailand on sunday. yups im leaving for thailand on thurs morning (bloody 7 am!!!!) :D ok anyway i shall not say anymore about my trip cos its a taboo topic in my family. ha ha ha shites. anyway so pray i return safely and on my actual return date!!! no airport closures, no riots, no nonsense!!! sigh. i know everyone's really worried but i have spoken to my thai friends and siaomei has been up and it seems ok and i really need a holiday!!! just gonna be super laidback and enjoy this break before the dreaded school term starts. again. why am i teacher??? haha i miss blogging and talking about everything under the sun!!

so anyway... AUG was great fun but the ride back was ABSOLUTELY HORRENDOUS! stupid bus got delayed cos the air con broke down so we had to change bus and then they continued touting last minute tix even though we were half an hour behind time already. after i made a hell of a noise including telling my coach super loudly that i could slap the driver right now, we finally left! untl we were 10km from yong peng. THE BLOODY CLUTCH BROKE!!!! so we were free wheeling down the expressway and i seriously prayed we wouldnt crash into the ravines or down the hills at the side. anyway, they managed to fix it at yong peng so we were finally on our way again at a proper speed. and yes. for someone who drives like me, 40km/hr is AGONISING and BLOODY PAINFUL! :) so thank GOD we were back at 100km/h!! and then. at immigration the co driver got stuck and couldnt clear it so we waited for half an hour. finally, after being harassed, the other driver left his friend there. HA HA HA. ok im being a mega bitch but really. they were pissing me off big time. especially when you are dying to see someone!!! :D more about that later. so yes AUG photos coming up tomorrow!

and then there was christmas! it was great! MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone! not too late cos there's 12 days!!! anyway Christmas day started perfectly :) went for midnight mass with someone special. what a great way to begin eh? a beginning on many fronts :) and then followed by christmas meals with families! it was a great time, just hanging out, feeling the christmas spirit which should be about families and closeness and it ended perfectly with a new beginning. ")

ok. now. about that someone. im not saying who it is and im not going to for a long while. cos its time i take things slow and really, its something i feel oddly protective over. its really nice and sweet just to have it between us and family. all i can say is, its an inexplicable feeling of closeness, comfort and amazement. something lasting over time, feelings that were always present, a thought that can be capped in these words "wow, finally." so yes im happy, really happy, ecstatically happy! :)

a perfect christmas gift :)

quirks!** oh and i have to blog this. claire hasnt seen mozilla firefox before so when she saw it appear on the screen she promptly asked "manda che che, what is this mozerella firefox?" hahaha :) so much for being cheesy :D

KL thoughts :)

2008-12-15T20:49:00.006+08:00

just ran my finals for the 100m. sadly didnt do too well but im ok! considering that i just came back from an injury and the doc didnt want me to race at all, i guess its not too bad. but still... still upset about it cos i know i wanted to do better but its alright will train harder! gotta suck it up and do my endurance... painful!!!! :) also really thankful for such wonderful encouragement that really does show you care? :) so. after tomorrow's race i'll be mope-ing around because i'll be dying to go back!!! haha i wonder why... ")

i'll never judge you, i'll never see you just for your achievements, i cant promise you wont fall, but i promise you wont fall alone. :)

travelling thoughts...

2008-12-14T14:52:00.007+08:00

im in KL!!! if you are wondering why i havent blogged in a while.. at AUG now and its painfully boring being here 3 days in advance and having 3 days of spare time!!! even worse when those days could be spent with someone else :) just had training in the morning and everything feels good! thought i'd be very tired since the irritating team leader made us stay for the entire opening ceremony last night and wanted us to go watch some soccer match today. my point? im here as a competitor not as a spectator. full stop. ok just being me... haha angsty :)

so anyway, things have been going good! :) happy is an understatement. God works in marvelous ways and you know it when you trust in Him and things just happen. for all that ive been vexing over the past few months, im really glad that things have turned out beautifully. from here on, its just trusting in Him still and just being happy, talking, growing and being with a special other. we'll see where it leads us. but yes, im happy. REALLY happy!!! whee!!! :)

its been amazing. wow, finally?! :)

wow!

2008-12-11T18:04:00.003+08:00

wow! :) thats really all i need to describe yesterday. truly a new beginning... its really amazing how things just happen when you least expect them. how things that seemingly seem lost may come back just at the right moment. its been an experience the past months, really trying most of the time and other times just the feeling of complete loss. and yet never did i expect that in one moment, everything can change, some things have come to an end, and most importantly, something i thought was lost has begun. wow. :)

inexplicable happenings can turn into blessings.

the grand old dame!

2008-12-08T23:49:00.009+08:00

my grandma's 81!!!! doesnt look like it does she??? :D yups shes soooo fit and wonderful and is the BESTEST and NICEST granny EVER! whee! :) at 81 she travels from east to west, north to south all on her own! shes even in the choir in her church! still remember how she used to sing hokkien hymns whenever i went over to her place and i would try to sing along too... when i was MUCH younger that is. haha used to go over to her place when i was in lower primary and she makes the BEST fish porridge, fried veg, assam prawns, popiah, chrysanthemum tea... etc. :) she also comes down for some of my comps, keeps my newspaper articles and excitedly tells me about them! think i inherited my impulsive buying from her too as she loves to shop and buy fanciful stuff and always readily gives the younger kids "shillings" aka. coins! shes the one we all turn to for tissue paper, mirrors, shillings... all of which she always has in her ever changing handbags... haha but most importantly, shes extremely close to God, praying over all her grandkids when we have tummy aches or injuries... really, im so proud of her and love her to bits! shes such a strong lady, yet quiet and meek in her ways. she has gone through so much and yet in her quiet manner has been a pillar of strength and love. so take a peek at the birthday celebration we had just for the grand old dame...

my dearest grandma

(who gave birth to 10 kids btw... )

the gymnasts! :) ouch!
manda che che and mying che che!

the grandkids and great grand kid :)the daughters and daughter in-laws!the son and son in-laws!

ma ma, 生日快乐! :)

snapshots part I

2008-12-08T14:31:00.002+08:00

ok im in the mood for photo taking cos my cam batt is all charged and ready!! so before i go on a phototaking spree at my grandma's dinner tonight, here are 2 pics i took of cayla the future fruit cutter of the family :) she absolutely loooooves watching my dad cut fruits, taking a few bites in between :D so here she is in her usual seat as she helps him put the fruits into the bowl and tastes the fruits for their sweetness... :) check out her new haircut too!!! sadly gone are her tight curls but she still has those beauty waves and the best part is that its natural! lucky girl!

cayla's conversations on FB: hihihihihihihi. :D cos thats all she knows how to spell. haha

wild streaks :)

2008-12-07T23:36:00.003+08:00

i streaked my hair red!!!! haha yes half a year to be wild before its back to boring hair colours for the sake of stupid protocols :D shant say more cant say more. haha so anyway today was cool! claire, cayla and me all went for a haircut together! will take pics tmr cos its my nicest bestest grandma's birthday :) having a surprise party for her but think she already knows. haha also eagerly anticipating the awfully choc cake that i ordered for her but im only going to take a teeny weeny piece and dream about the day i come back from AUG to have a whole slice of the rum and cherry. hahaha yes im seriously gearing up for AUG! no clubbing, no drinking and totally trying to not snack :D well anyway today caps the end of many things. after yday's BBQ i came to a sudden realisation of a few things. simply put, sometimes its better not to go wandering and looking. stay on the path, and let God lead you. cos when u go looking, you only see what you want to see. when you let it go, you let it come to you. then you know, that that is truly what you would call, sincerity.

if i dare say, The End.

sports aside... :)

2008-12-07T12:51:00.005+08:00

yes athletes have a life too... haha :) even weight watching ones... :D yup spent the sat shopping for BBQ stuff before a small group of us proceeded to West Coast Park for a mini BBQ cum gossiping session. Thanks to Jess and Yee Min for organising it! although it was prolly the smallest and latest (we started at 8!!!) BBQ ive attended, its one of those where i really felt was like a chill out session too. which is what BBQs should be anyway... friends just gathering round enjoying food and making merry. it also felt like a trade sharing session. haha bitching about some people we knew in our "industry"... :D like the whole idea that there's a common understanding about competitions, injuries, foreign competitors, overseas experiences and partners that simply do not get our lifestyle and routine. hahaha hmmm... yup and of cos finally a group of people that accept a bootcast as if it were nothing new, understand the purpose of a bootcast, the normalcy of having a bootcast, the extent of the injury and how it might affect our passion for training and sport and not taking the whole issue out of proportion as if we arent bothered enough by the fact that we are injured and still have to put up with insensitive comments about being in a bootcast. haha yes ok im griping... enough! so yes enjoyed my sat life away from the bustle of everything! took some pics but well as usual, got wayled by the food! :D enjoy!

the people! :)

the firestarter!

cormac said no dancing!!!

there's a reason "behind" every action :D

the bootcast alumni ha ha ha :)

feast @ Dozo

2008-12-04T23:08:00.004+08:00

ok im back with pictures!!! unfortunately there isnt alot because 1. my camera ran out of batt :D 2. i got distracted by the food and forgot to take photos. :) so anyway. was so sad cos i had to put aside my calorie counting for a meal due to all the foie gras and escargots... but screw it (just for that meal :D) cos the food was bloody good! yup the whole family went to Dozo, a jap fusion fine dining place, to celebrate my parents' wedding anniversary!!! it was a seven course meal that allowed you to basically choose one item from every section of their ala carte menu. everthing was mouthwatering and damn goooood!!!

my set went like this.

1. chef's platter of foei gras, scallop and smoked salmon

2. beef tataki (raw beef) with cheese and truffle

3. escargots with yuzu butter

4. crab bisque
5. beef tenderloin on hot plate

6. warm chocolate cake with ice cream

7. icey refresher

ok shites im damn hungry now... :D alrites feast your eyes cos i cant talk about it anymore! :D

the ladies! dad with his own ala carte selection of softshell crab and vegetable tempuras

yups that is prolly the only eventful thing so far this week... tomorrow im off to collect my AUG attire and kit! :D leaving for KL in a week's time and i must say im REALLY thankful to GOD for helping me through my injury! surprisingly, and by His Grace, my foot seems fine, my form hasnt dropped much, and im feeling much better rested and prepared! finally looking forward to competing again! :) gosh it was such an emotional turmoil dealing with my foot especially since a fracture would have almost effectively ended my career. ah well just gotta keep training, praying and icing! :) so yes my life is back to revolving around God, Family and Track. and i must say, it actually feels good and much more peaceful. of cos theres always the occasional slip of mind back to the usual thoughts but we'll see. afterall, no point worrying over what is not present.

the silence and absence only points me in one direction - away.

words.thoughts.reflections

2008-12-01T23:26:00.006+08:00

ok i havent had alot of pics for a loooong time cos i havent gone on a photo spree in a while! i will soon though! but in the meantime, lots has happened. first up!!!

happy birthday nuriah!!!! :D

hope you had a smashing good time!!!

next up, my sis is back from hong kong!!! yay!! funny how as you grow older, you appreciate the relationship and sisterhood more although when we were younger we fought all the time, argued all the time, and got into violent scuffles, digging our nails into each other and irritating each other to bits. ha ha ha. thats sisterhood for you. but well you eventually grow out of it and learn to appreciate having the other around :) some dont though but im really glad we did!

alrights and then the third event involves my dear claire. poor girl fell off the balance beam during her gymnastics lesson and almost fractured her toe!!!! now its terribly bruised and shes hobbling around... so my constant visits for physiotherapy came in useful as i taped up her foot at the airport while waiting for my sis! claire was still concerned over her gym training the next day though. haha its the athlete syndrome. no matter how battered up we are, we really cant stop training, cant stay away, cant resist being there. :) so everyone, pray for her to recover!!!!

ok lastly, i find it very amusing how God answers the thoughts in my mind, throwing me the biggest possible challenge when all i did was wonder how i could start being more involved in his work. i was just thinking its time i go back to serving the church after taking a one year hiatus from teaching cathecatics in church, and was seriously considering going back to teaching or joining the lectors. and then. i had to be selected to join the parish pastoral council office or exco. my first reaction? OH MY GOD. it was not an expression btw. i meant it. like GOD???!!!! how can you do this to me???!!!!! hahahaha i really was just thinking how i could manage my time to serve the church in the individual ministries of cathecatics or lectors and he had to throw me into the ultimate. thanks ah... but thinking back, He had his plan. next year will prolly be a busy year with all my comps so being in lector or cats would prolly mean i will be missing out on alot of duties. plus i usually have late sat nights so that might be a prob :D but being in the council means i am involved constantly, and is not just a weekly duty thing which i may miss. so yes i believe He has a plan. now i can only pray He gives me the strength to keep it up and the courage to speak up. because i was really feeling 10 times more anxious when i spoke to the audience about my view than when im at the 100m start line. :D Oh God, help me!!!!

ok last last last. haha hmm i still dont know what to say or make of the usual... ARRRGGGGHHHH!!!! yeah that pretty sums it all up because it is still going so slowly, even im learning to slow down. and you know how extraordinary that is since i really love the fast life. haha oh well at the end, i keep trying to move forward and hopefully the path will show itself... God help me... again.

try being a magician! you do the disappearing act so well! :D

vulnerability

2008-11-30T18:56:00.007+08:00

in a matter of days, dreams, visions and plans have shattered. just a reflection of the whole mumbai terrorist tragedy as well as the Singaporean casualty. thinking back, the first thing that comes to mind is the terrorist threat i went through during asian grand prix last year in guwati, mumbai. we were practically holed up in our hotel, without any mobile connections, and surrounded by armed soldiers the whole time. we couldnt go out of the hotel, our rooms were bomb checked twice by the K9 squad, our buses were escorted by Generals, no one was allowed to cross our paths when we moved quickly from the hotel to the bus and back, the stadium grandstand was surrounded by guards who formed a 360 radius around, and yet, on race day, a bomb exploded just 2km from the other hotel that housed the athletes and killed 6 locals. we were that close, that vulnerable, and i never realised the severity of it all till the past few days. its frightening just thinking about it, and the countless possibilities that could have occured. right now, though, im just thinking about how vulnerable we all are, how little control we have over our own lives. More importantly, what great opportunities we have now to enjoy our lives, love as we should love, and take risks and go for our dreams when we can. you never know what is installed, when God will call, when everything planned can be shattered.

as i feel the pain of the victim's family, losing someone so suddenly, so traumatically, i can only pray for their comfort, knowing full well that no one ever gets used to the sudden loss of someone so dear, so precious. through it all, we hold on to the memories of their presence, love them for who they were and pray that they are at peace with the Lord, free from the world's pains.

Eternal peace grant onto them oh Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon them. May they rest in peace. Amen.

my coach is mr loh chan pew

2008-11-27T23:30:00.003+08:00

caught, torn, struggling, sorry, lost, helpless... really, i do not know what to do. for the first time in a long time i do not know how to help my coach. he built this team from scratch, fought so hard for SEA Games, gave us dreams and goals to believe in and created history for us. and yet, they cold heartedly dropped him from the team without even notifying him properly, giving his post to someone who isnt even half as good as him. seriously, whatever politics or game they are playing i can safely say this. im not as foolish as the previous team under him, i will not and NEVER will betray my coach and be persuaded eventually to train under someone else. no way because really, no one else in Singapore can match him and more importantly, i owe everything to him and i trust him. and really, if i have to run solo, i will, if i have to walk out of the team i will. because i dont think i can bring myself to listen to someone i have no respect for, i wont conform to politics and red tape, i wont run for glory and neither will i run so you can have your glory. no freaking way.

respect and loyalty is earned, not bought, not forced, and certainly not demanded.

missing you dearly.

2008-11-26T23:59:00.000+08:00

just some thoughts during the dinner... was talking to my sis about my uncle and how i still miss him. said he was the coolest uncle ever and she said he's just so full of shit... :) a wave of emotions hit me then and i told her, i dont think i will ever get used to him not being around. its been so long already, but i still miss his presence so much... how apt it was also that today is the 26th... felt the urge to just go to church and visit his niche... think i shall do that tomorrow. its just hard especially during festive periods when you really want to be surrounded by your loved ones. as much as i know hes prolly watching over us and prolly very happy where he is, i still want him back so badly. sad is a whole different emotion when you lose someone so dear. you feel empty, you feel sorrow, you feel numb. sad is when a part of you dies after you have lost something. i dont ever think i can get over this, get over his absence. but yet i rejoice at having experienced his presence, laughing and playing with him. memories are boxes in our minds that store all our experiences, yours are forever etched in my heart. dear koo, missing you dearly... amanda.

dear koo,
tears stream freely whenever i recall you,
the memories so fresh, your presence so true.
my mind will never forget,
and my heart simply wont let,
anything and everything that we ever shared.

if i could just see you,

i certainly know what i'd do,

a heartfelt hug to feel your presence,

and to help and comfort me through your absence.

dear han koo,

i really miss you.

a wee bit early...

2008-11-26T23:44:00.006+08:00

just came back from a SUPER early christmas gathering... haha as a priest said "Advent isnt even here yet!" ah well anyway, it was great stuff... totally had to exercise EXTREME self control to not take any sauces or too much desserts... :D still going strong!! had lunch at polo club today too and it was fantastic albeit abit. ok wait. TOOOOO hot. :D i was practically dripping with perspiration although i was wearing a skirt!! but the food was good and healthy! :) okok im getting paranoid and being a total stickler... yups anyway ok back to dinner... had some really good and BLOODY expensive wine! apparently one of the bottles we had (in pic below) costs between $1500-$2000!!! i so had to take a sip! haha it was good! not too dry, doesnt leave that "siap" taste in your throat, pretty smooth... yups other than that nothing much except that im still reeling from shock how someone can be so ignorant and shallow. sigh.

shallow is an understatement, empty would be too vague.

vacuous is perfect and beyond ur understanding. :D

an evil streak...

2008-11-25T15:41:00.006+08:00

*note: NOT about the usual... :D

a million things i could say, and want to say. but not going to because:

1. not worth it.

2. i left it.

3. get over it.

4. its freaking stupid.

a ban is looming, as i contemplate how much more it might take for me to commit murder :)

ok this is totally fun talking in circles. im off to sleep now, to dream and take pleasure in my initial mistake and damn good recovery called: walking away. " )

ouch! :D

a family affair

2008-11-25T13:24:00.004+08:00

went to esplanade concert hall yesterday with the whole familyto support my sis who was the emcee for "World-in Singapore Concert 2008"! It was a concert displaying the various concert bands, choirs and dance groups from a few international schools and local schools is singapore. So my sis got complimentary tickets for all 6 of us and we were promptly ushered into the VIP box! woo hoo!!! :) the two girls were busy running up and down exploring and taking in the whole cool idea that we actually had a seating box all to ourselves. haha the concert hall itself was magnificent with all the panels and what have you not gadgets meant to ensure the best sounds. so it was a night of music, dance and song as we sat back to just chill the night away! :) i love my family!

our star for the night! she did great!!!! :Dhaha gosh the last photo really looks like shes some superstar singer... :)

yups day ended with all of us heading to stock pot at esplanade for supper! the soup is superb man! along with the ultra healthy smoked chicken rice paper roll... haha my campaign remember!? :D im still at it!! cooked up a meal today with no oil at all!!! so proud of myself. " ) going to bandj's tonight again for my weekly fix of smokin turkey mango sandwich though! alrights nothing more to say already. night ended quite well too... a sign that the day has not come, that the foot still cannot go, the the heart is not going to let, yet.

the wild streak in me says its all just for fun! :)

the campaign begins!

2008-11-24T12:16:00.006+08:00

ok im officially starting my healthy dieting campaign that is suppose to lead up to AUG. haha i seriously hope and pray i can sustain it!!! its already so taxing having to wait for lunch before i could take my meal since breakfast was a fruit... BUT!!! im excited about it so thats good! plus i get to make my own food which means it has to be both savoury and sweet :D yups ok just had to blog about it to remind me!!!!! argh this is going to require such GREAT discipline especially cos im such a foodie... ha!

well, one last thought. if only life and its ways were as easy as song. if only actions were as easy as words penned down. if only.

the day has not come, the dance is still not done.

the foot is ready to take a step, but the heart still would not let. sigh.

flying past, flying free

2008-11-23T16:18:00.007+08:00

okays im back with a new air brushed tattoo! :D its so fun to keep changing designs and trying out different colours!!! :D i just realised my designs are getting bigger and more adventurous though... was seriously eyeing this HUGE phoenix but it was really too big la... dont think i'll ever go there... :D so instead, opted for an eagle in red and black. FIERCE! ;) lets just say this has been a very intense and frustrating week for me so abit of pent up anger hence the choice of design. :) as for the photos, was just playing around with picassa and trying all the different types of effects!!! enjoy!

yups so thats all for this week's tattoo! :D been busy trying to design my own too but i checked and its going to cost at least $250 and comes with a HUGE risk of irreversible REGRET. so yes im not doing it. at least not yet ;) hmm ok so went to dempsey AGAIN on sat just to sit, chill and talk. went with jess, wei and zhicong... four hopeless people when it comes to relationships... :D four of us basically sat there lamenting and sharing our love life and the lack of it. haha but oh well it was still fun and pretty nice. jess and i even made progress in our "getting to know the staff' mission. we are now discussing tattoos with them and FINALLY got to break the ice with the super stone faced manager at CA... haha after 1 month he FINALLY recognises us and even offered to reserve seats for us if we go early. ha! its always good to know the staff o-k? just makes the whole experience so much more personal, better and safe (you know what mean waiters can do to your food if you piss them off...)

yups and then there was lunch. :) i dont really know what to say about it because im not too sure what i should say or be feeling. lets just say it was comfortable and awkward, close but distant, a beginning and an end. yes all these are perfect opposites but that is precisely what it was. comfortable because it was familiar ties, awkward because of a past. close because it was old ties, distant because of a past. beginning because it was a revival of old ties, and an end because of a past. a past that was so damaging but precious, so full but empty, simply because now, it is just.a.past. so are we simply going to let it stop there? let the past destroy everything? for me, im letting go and building from it. dont just let it pass. move past.

this week really hasnt been easy. sometimes you wish things were simpler. really the complexity of things, and a particular or shd i say usual issue is weighing me down. i hate how everything is so complicated, how you are so complicated, confused and so conveniently walk in and out. but the funny thing is, the lower i go, the deeper i fall, the more frustration i feel, it just seems to ease away the feelings, the thoughts, the emotions. in fact, it just seems to ease away everything that all along amounted to nothing.

"cause the day i thought i'd never get through, i got over you" - chris daughtry, over you.

looking on...

2008-11-21T22:18:00.003+08:00

wow. i can really be mean. haha just read through my prev 2 posts... :D im better already! still cursing the daylights out of that fellow but other than that im pretty cool. haha oh yah and still pissed with the usuaL. ") okok im still angry. but not explosive angry o-0k? :D sigh. anyway... had a talk with jess today over the latest saga in her life... dont know why but lately i havent been able to talk about my own saga much on my blog. its almost as if ive said everything already! yups well maybe its a sign im slowly but surely moving forward and along!!! it just comes to point where i get so sick and tired of all the antics that i never really know what to expect anymore. in fact i just start to not care, wonder why i even cared and really just dont feel like giving a damn anymore! but its good! its all good! cos somehow it just makes me stronger, more in tuned with my identity and independence, more inclined to go away from this all. :)

sincerity is the least i ask for, and the most i see lacking.

i need to run away.

2008-11-20T17:18:00.001+08:00

EDIT: emotions at 2pm. - its back to living my usual life!!! whee!!! gosh the feeling of not studying is superb can!!! anyway had fun last night!!! :D it was kickass rocking fun! haha finally!!! havent we been waiting since like a month ago!! and yes thank-you for going out of the way to accomodate me when you didnt have to. really appreciate it. :) and by the way, dont just do what you think is right, do what you feel is right. the mind and the heart can never function independently.

emotions now - FREAKING FRUSTRATED, IRRITATED, HATEFUL, TIRED, ANGRY. FEELING THE NEED TO GET AWAY FROM EVERYBODY, EVERY JERK, ASSHOLE, PAIN IN THE ASS, BUGGER, NAGGER, IRRITANT, HOUNDER, CONTROL FREAK, JUST EVERY DAMN THING THATS GETTING ON MY NERVES NOW. gosh! is it soooooooo difficult to have one freaking peaceful day without some idiot coming along to remind you that "hey beautiful days dont exist because theres everything that you should worry about!" oh God please give me a break!!! i need one, i despearately need one, i desperately need to GET AWAY. from you and you. yes there are 2 particular yous i need to get away from. get off my back. spare a thought for me pleeeeease! i cant take it anymore i feel like i need to scream!!!!!! is it so wrong to take a break after such.a.long.year??? is it? when even my so called holiday while you are on holiday is really me working my ass off because im actually competing? will you just get off my back and help me out a lil considering you are already saving from me not going on the actual holiday? okok i betcha im going to get called selfish for this so im shutting up. bcos really. i do not need conversations that CONSTANTLY remind me the world is a sad place afterall. i know it is. i live in it remember? sigh.

yes im having a really bad day. totally venting it out here. and it doesnt help that the usuaL has pulled the usuaL stunt. i am just so pissed off and sick of being taken for granted. i mean is it so difficult to be there as i was there? please really stop taking giant steps forward and then going back. its tiring.its pissing.its freaking irritating.its making me hate you. really. would you just stop it already? thank you.

money.love.pride.relationships.feelings.all hateful things.

raw emotions. vulgarities alert*

2008-11-20T15:21:00.005+08:00

just got official info about the change of coach for the women's relay team. because i am really angry and bloody frustrated with everything and everybody and the email had to come like now when im already so pissed at irritating people and person who like to screw up the usual way, i am going to say it as it is, as how i completely feel towards the idiots who made such a decision. go to hell you bloody f***ing morons. i swear i despise you to the very core of your being and resent you for whatever little worth you have on this earth. seriously, you give me a coach that has the qualifications and achievements to prove his superiority, i will accept it. but when you give me one who 1. struts on the track as if he owns it 2. shouts 'f***' at athletes and anyone alike on the track 3. hasnt got a thing to prove better than my coach. well you know what? damn you, your people, your association. never had my respect, and never will. and mind you im not talking about the coach who has been appointed. im talking about that fellow sitting prettily at champions lane in his office. maybe you should take your paper qualifications and stuff it up your head. filling up that empty space up there with abit of academia might just trigger something which is better than nothing. maybe then you can give me some logical explanation for your idioticness. but oh wait its prolly cos you are just well. an idiot. :D

they say never incur the wrath of a woman? im telling you this. never incur the wrath of a woman sprinter. its the perfect equation of pure aggression.

this issue does not end here. not if i can help it. not until ive had my say. ")

an end of a sem.

2008-11-18T14:52:00.006+08:00

yup last paper, last day of school, last day of semester 1. amazed at how time flies, the knowledged gained, the changes made, the partings inevitable, the friendships reinstated and forged, the bonds and ties made stronger, the discovery of some inner thoughts, the memories of a new beginning, the prospect of future experiences. all in half a year. wow. :D hasnt been easy though, seems like a multitude of things have occured yet all i am left with is the option to rue what was lost, the pleasure of having gone through a few experiences and the memories from which i can learn and take comfort in. so, as a wrap up of the sem, did a photo collage of each module and ICG 08!

yups so management paper ended quite well actually, seeing how it was almost the same as last year's paper and all it took was a regurgitation of notes. haha which i can no longer remember btw. i really have short term memory ok... sigh... opened a msg from siaomei today while talking to jac in the car. apparently i opened the msg, read it, deleted it and put my phone back down.. only to realise 5 minutes later that i had read a msg but had completely no idea what it said or who it was from. had to go ask siaomei if she did send me one!!! argh i need more gingko nuts!!! :D other than that ive been busy setting up something that im not going to talk about because i still cant fathom why i joined it!!!! and found out something that only made joining it even less worthwhile.... ah well never mind... : ) yups so the last day, finally! free of exams for 1 year!!! and the night of studying ended well too knowing i was dwelling in an other mind ; )

why does God always send me attached mails? ; )

weekend mischief

2008-11-17T00:40:00.008+08:00

bummed around pretty much this weekend trying to come to terms with the fact that EVERYONE is saying im fat. sobs. unfortunately, even if i ever entertain thoughts of starvation and anorexia i know too damn well that my love for food will overcome anything. haha seriously. i cannot NOT eat. :D its like one of the pleasures of life! but really STOP SAYING IM FAT O-K??!!! its FREAKING depressing! but its ok... running's still fine so thats my only consolation. oh yes shhh none of my training antics get known to SSC people o-k?! jess you are no longer there so you are part of this circle of trust too!!! :D yups but really im getting paranoid to the point that everytime i want to eat something, i start counting the calories... haha sigh... life and its expectations. one good thing i learnt from all this though is the effect labelling can have on someone. and i think its something all teachers should be made aware of. how such an action so mild and maybe unintentional can have a negative impact on someone especially if repeated over time. as nonchalant as i am about most things, i have to admit (and mind you it isnt easy to say this on a public blog...), the constant remark by people was getting on my nerves, making me damn self conscious and freaking pissed. i seriously started to freak out and get paranoid to the point where eating one sinful item and i somehow started feeling fat all over... so yes, i shall constantly remind myself never to label my students because 1. it is of no help to them, 2. constant reminders of a failure or fault really isnt going to lead anyone out of it 3. i am there to guide, not there to hurt their pride.

yups so anyway despite the constant labelling i had a magnificent seafood dinner on friday to celebrate father fred's birthday! haha im like the only young adult there... :D it was good fun though! so just a pic that fr simon took for us...

ok enough about food now! next up! tattoo!!! went about town with jess on saturday chilling out and finally getting to eat at WARAKU PASTA! (shits food again... haha) ok so yes walked about at far east and got really tempted by the tattoo shops there!!! totally fell in love with them so we both decided to get air brush tattoos! she chose a dolphin and i chose a tiger! and really i finally understood why they said tattoos were addictive... cos after you get one, it looks so damn nice you cant stop! which is why i am dying to get another one on wednesday!!! :D cant wait! prolly a rose on my shoulder blade... haha oh come on! its harmless fun cos its nothing permanent anyway! my mum saw it, thought it was real, and was beginning to scheme of ways to get rid of it if i eventually told her that it was really real. hahaha :D and speaking of my mum... everyone knows how fierce she is right... so today i went to get the gym room key from the guards and they insisted that i produce our facilities pass that will prove we stay in the estate. my mum already told the condo manager she would not be applying for it because she sees no reason to as our ICs also state our add so we can just produce that. so anyway... i tried to argue with them but failed and promptly said ok im calling my mum. of cos they said ok since they didnt know what they were in for... :D and as i walked away, i silently wished them good luck. haha cos she came down promptly, demanded the key and told them to go call the condo manager, condo secretary and my dad (the council vice chairman) BUT JUST GIVE HER THE KEY. haha she got it. :D shes one fiesty woman lah... the other time she was arguing with some travel agent who was pissing her off. so she asked to see the manager. the stupid sales rep said the manager was held up somewhere in the office thinking that that would put my mum off... bad idea... big mistake... my mum told her "your manager not free right? ok i want to see the CEO..." : ) super zai. ha! ok here's photos of my tattoo!!!

ok last part... i need to blog this because im feeling philosophical... something i havent felt in a while after i finished my last jodi picoult book. yeah i think i get my inspirations from there... : ) so anyway. today at mass the homily was about having faith and getting past our fears. well this thought came to my mind then that "fear is a social and mental construct that only serves to prevent one from reaching his/her fullest potential and going past what it has constructed as impossible" it got me thinking how everything we dont do or see as impossible is really constructed out of fear. that the term impossible is really a facade hiding what is possible without fear, and with faith. funny isnt it - faith overcomes all fears and lead one to fulfiment. faith vs fear, fulfilment vs failure. all of which really depend on what we construct in our minds. that thought also somehow led me back to the peoples in my life... how everyone seems to fear something that prevents us from moving forward and instead taking a step back or just not doing anything??? how we fear the future, fear a repetition of pasts, fear risks. yet are we ever sure that things may not change, may not take on a different course, may not be different? in everything we do, it takes a certain degree of faith and trust, are we simply going to stay where we are, happy or not and pray that it leads us somewhere? because you do know that even in prayer, the fundamentals of it is faith. so why not, go for a change, especially if it makes you happier, say a lil prayer and have abit more faith? after all the alternative is the lack of faith, the empowerment of fear and the only option to rue what could have been. really, i pray "dear Lord, please give me faith and strength to overcome all my fears, which are inhibiting me from realising the talents you have blessed me with." God never gives you a challenge you cant overcome, a talent that you cant realise, a journey where you are alone. simply because He has given you faith.

fear and confusion are all constructs. faith is a God given tool to deconstruct.

thoughts and what nots.

2008-11-14T14:57:00.006+08:00

ok nothing to blog about actually... just really bored... :D and im not about to start studying. haha ok dont nag! hmm sometimes really wonder how im going to be a teacher when i can hardly advocate studying. : ) always seem to have something better to do... like go physio, watch my taped episodes of CSI, pick cayla up, read, blog, TRAIN!!!... chill... think about the people in my life... hahaha now that will be the next topic. but anyway. yah hmm i guess thats why i teach PE and English. one is a non acad subj and the other doesnt really require you to study study? :D

and then there was training yesterday... did my first full workout which felt good! everything still working pretty well so yeah... drove mr loh home as we both wondered how sometimes you can never really tell who a person is just at face value. how sometimes it takes an incident or an action to really see beyond the external facade... scary man. oh well for every person that lets you down theres one that will help you up and ultimately, you know you always have God behind you :D

yup and of cos the people in my life. dont really know what to say about it all. kinda in transition and in confusion... haha and the best place to think it all through is at dempsey BandJ's... : ) somehow the whole atmosphere there feels so calming and tranquil you just go into instant reflective mode. " ) nostalgia may creep in but it ends there, simply as reminders of lessons learnt, experiences gained, times spent and gone. cos whatever it is, single means mingle! :D

lastly... cayla's quirks... she thinks MGS is a word!

your weekend away is my weekend reflection : ) can i, shd i?

a conversation...

2008-11-13T15:19:00.005+08:00

that would have salvaged things before it ended.
that brought about realisations.
that made me confront feelings.
that brought about regret.
that made me unforgiving, but only of my own actions.
that made me see how much it all meant last time.
that made me see how much it meant to you.
that had words we never said to each other.
that made me realise communication should always be positive.
that showed me words of love would definitely have saved things rather than the constant bickering.
that was unexpected.
that brought about tears.
that i wish had taken place long before everything started.
that took place today.

joyful reunions!

2008-11-12T00:20:00.007+08:00

alright taking a break from Benjamin, Taylor and Tatum... i am ABSOLUTELY, FANTASTICALLY, MADLY, HAPPILY, JOYFULLY, GLEEFULLY, TOTALLY, back in love! whee!!!!! felt so good, so right, so relieved, just so damn freaking happy! big hugs as i waited with anticipation to take our first steps together after such a long separation! finally i got the chance after a negotiation over the terms of our reunion and boy did i grab hold of the opportunity!!! ahh it just feels so goooooood to be reunited and back in love!!! feelings just flooded back... feelings of nostalgia, fond memories, closeness, oneness... sigh... just so thankful to be reunited and to be back with the one love of my life.

so yes if you must know...

i.am.back with.........sprinting!!!! haha gotcha! :D Benjamin, Taylor and Tatum are the writers for my exam articles by the way... :D yup ANYWAY!!! had my first go at it since my injury cos i totally could not keep away anymore!!! did teeny weeny short ones just to try out but it was enough to perk me up!!!! begged mr loh to let me have a go cos i REALLY COULD NOT KEEP AWAY any longer!!!! yes u must think im mad but its so damn difficult to walk on the track and not want to put on my spikes and start sprinting. it was SO AGONISING! so mr loh said ok but he didnt let me do past 4 sprints. sobs... hmm looking forward to tomorrow cos its the next track training!!! gosh this feels like a whole new relationship again! how you desire so badly to be with your loved one... hahaha :D no this has nothing to do with me being single... i dont need a loved one that badly. my spikes and sprinting are doing just fine! : )

anyways the next reunion is that claire, cayla and ah kim are back FINALLY!!! my sis and i said it feels so different without them around!!! sometimes i thought i could hear cayla downstairs only to remember that they were in shanghai. anyways they are back!!!!! yay!!! :D here's some pics of them at the airport with cayla's hair looking abnormally straight (static lah...) and claire in her funky shoes and UBBER hip skinnies!!! :D

and then there was a third reunion led by you.

you humour me.

2008-11-09T20:04:00.007+08:00

funny how i can see what is not good for others but i just cant see what is not good for myself.
funny how everyone tells me the same thing but i just cant seem to listen completely.
funny how you always start it all and im always left to pick up the pieces.
funny how this time round the built up of weariness and frustration grows day by day instead of dissipating slowly.
funny how you managed to break through my coolness, leaving me unable to remain nonchalant and instead making me confused.
funny how you told me free was good but yet you are the one holding me back.
well, ive had enough because its really frustrating and tiring and making me hate you.
im not closing the door on you, it's still open, but im taking a step through it cos its time i look around.
if you can have your options, why cant i have mine?
hmm, so for now, we shall see where this leads me. i think ive done enough, said enough.
now, its your turn, to start things again, but this time, you decide where it goes.
life is a dance, lets hope you dont end this on the wrong footing.

i like you as much as i hate you. hopefully your next actions dont tip the scale in a negative way.

wonderful additions!

2008-11-09T19:06:00.000+08:00

"the innocence of a child is a gift one can only wish for as we get entangled in the world's demands and expectations. the next closest gift then, is having a child in your midst, so innocent, so small, yet the most sincere and purest state one can be in."

yups just some photos of Aiden taken at uncle wah's birthday!!! hes SUPER cute and damn friendly!!!! :D totally doesnt mind anyone carrying him, and readily smiles and laughs at the smallest antics you do! love him!

and then there is my newest acquisition... OAKLEY's! :D bloody ex man but totally me! haha gosh this is my second pair this year! first one's a radar for sports and this one is just to drive around look cool, pretty, chic with abit of attitude. hahaha right. my next one will be spectacles and im all set to go! but that will have to wait till the next stipend. :D

heart muddLes

2008-11-07T14:52:00.006+08:00

as simply as i can put it. there was no usuaL screw up. : ) amazed it even happened but now in the wake of things are left obscurity and uncertainty. was it what you always called it? something short, sweet and over after that instance? is that what you want? dont ask me what i think, cos really, the ball's in your court. for me, ive hung around long enough, that is an answer, but again i still believe that whatever happens, happens. just wish there werent that many obstacles, that things could be clearer, that you wouldnt be so damn confused and muddled and distant again. that said, if you must know, i thought it was sweet, nice and real. but yet that said too, im still thinking it through, if the next step should be away instead of into or simply coming to a standstill. because as much as everything still remains fresh in my mind, so are your ways of taking a step forward and then a step back. so are your ways of backtracking to being who we always were. cant you just do what you always told me? that you need to feel happy??? i really dont know and as much as i hate to say this, i.am.confused. maybe i should have known that even if you didnt screw things up, things have certainly been stirred up. dont make me want to walk away again because i really think this time, it will be for real. the funny thing is very often we only come to a realisation, after we have lost something or after we have missed out. for now i'll hang around just that bit longer cos i know what an idiot you are with such things, and just because, that instance meant more than an instance : )

"If you just realized what I just realized

we'd never have to wonder

if we missed out on each other now."

really, it was sweet.

gym time! PHOTOS!!!

2008-11-07T14:22:00.000+08:00

next up gym time! just some pics of gym module that i blogged about earlier!!! yups went through with the assessment after modifying the steps. of cos was disappointed that i couldnt do my initial one but still glad its over, had fun despite the injuries and just glad i can STILL DO A BACKFLIP :D !!!! (before my foot got injured that is...) sigh ah well so here are some pics of my individual routine, my group routine where we were assassins with the theme "Mortal Kombat" and just the class and SClub having fun tumbling, flipping and jumping around! (fine... and being cam whores... haha) i love gym! " )

my beloved gang! :D

next module: track! FINALLY!!!!! :D

happy 64th mr loh!!! :D

2008-11-07T14:07:00.004+08:00

ok havent had time to blog about the happenings of the past few days so here we go! first up! Mr loh's birthday!!! yups he turns 64!!!! and he totally doesnt look like it does he??? :D gosh he's been through so much this year, just glad that he was happy on his birthday, that the people who cared most and mattered most were around him, that through it all, he knows, he'll always have siaomei and i to fall back on. that no matter what, he will always be my coach, my mentor, the one i owe my achievements to. that no matter what, i'll always have his back, ready to fight for him against all the red tape, prejudices and politics. that no matter what, i will always be there for him even when some have turned away and left. that no matter what, he will always be the SPRINT coach, MY coach, the only coach to have my fullest respect. because thats what a coach athlete relationship should be like. you just dont turn your back on the other. dearest mr loh, Happy 64th Birthday! :D love always, amanda.

someone remarked, "how come only 2 of you?" my response? "because literally, there are only the 2 of us left." but we will ALWAYS be there : )
a coach is someone who believes in you and takes the extra step to work with you to achieve your potential. really, what more can you ask for?

i think its sad.

2008-11-06T23:47:00.003+08:00

im really too tired to blog about all that has happened yesterday, so i will blog about yesterday, tomorrow. BUT i need to get this off my chest now. so just a short post. i think its sad that i can feel so guarded about everything and every action that home has simply become a place and a house. i think its sad that i come back feeling apprehensive about the things i say when all i want to do really, is share what has happened during the day with people whom i thought such sharing can take place with. i think its sad when i start a conversation it oftens ends up as a confrontation. i think its sad that everything has become so calculated and so controlled that simply relaxing at home may be seen as 'pathetic' and lazy. i think its sad that even within the confines of a room i may get embroiled in some argument or picking on that i feel so tensed. i think its sad that it feels like im walking into a firing range because you never know when something is going to be shot at you. i think its sad that i no longer see the value of even talking it through because at the end of the day, i will lose no matter how genuinely i feel about something. i think its sad that i have to push away support because the consequence is resentment and estrangement. i think its sad that instead of feeling a part of, it has just become apart.

weekend bumming

2008-11-04T14:55:00.001+08:00

ok this has been one hellava weekend! went to catch rugby 7s at Padang on saturday and it was pretty cool! got in free so well why not eh? :D was there as spectator and coach since had to help hairul analyse his run... haha it was freaking hot but still enjoyed it... pretty fun actually to spend the weekend enjoying the tournament, soaking in the atmosphere, watching the action and lazing around... its just the whole experience of being within a sporting atmosphere one way or another, nothing to worry about, watching people do what they love. of cos it was fun bitching about the advertising girls who walked on the pitch during the game and got screamed at by the linesman bcos they were obstructing the players... i mean srsly, theres positive advertising and negative ones? when i see that i just think "bimbo!" and totally ignore what they are promoting. ok i know altogether now... "bitch!" haha yes i can be one... i just cant stand girls who choose to act like that, gaining attention in such degrading and stupid manners? i mean srsly? do you need to go to such low extents? im sorry but im all for the independent kick ass chic look and attitude. really, beauty is empty without a persona. ah well anyway it was still a good tournament! : ) then because it ended early, was off to town with jess to do abit of shopping before heading to dempsey for a chillout session at BandJs... my newest hangout cos just love the whole decor and FREE PARKING!!! :D hey! thats a huge consideration nowadays ok... that and ERPs... damn them. ha!

next up was my sister's birthday on sunday!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHE!

went to charlie's peranakan restaurant and had a feast! ordered like 10 dishes but i only managed to take photos of the first few cos by the time the 5th dish arrived, i was too tempted to eat that i stopped taking photos and just tucked in. hahaha ") it was that good o-k???!!! and then we made a birthday cake out of mini mochi ice creams which is my sis' current indulgence. she proudly proclaimed that she could finish it if we couldnt eat anymore... haha but really it was GOOD... :D and of cos my mum was the butt of the jokes again...

mum: (after seeing her ex boss in the obituary pg...) wow, didnt expect my ex-boss to die so suddenly, he was so healthy...

sis: uh huh...

mum: yah this has made me realise something...

sis: what?

mum: that one day we all have to die...

DUH-UH???!!!! mum???!!!!!! hahahaha some times im really left speechless by my mum... she even thought uncle raphael's heart defibrillator was not water proof when he spoofed her saying he couldnt swim cos it will short circuit. and she went... "oh yah ah then how you bathe?" gosh! :D

yup well of cos saturday wasnt all that smooth flowing either... one word sums it up.

the usuaL "again".

and frankly, i am so.damn.tired of it all, im really inclined to walk away, forget about everything, and dont even think that anything could have started. gosh. dont make me.

why do good ones only exist in reel life? one more chance to not screw it up. we shall see.

parental guidance needed (for them)

2008-10-31T22:34:00.004+08:00

gosh. in a span of an hour, both my parents made me doubt my genes. :D first. my mum. we went for a birthday dinner to celebrate aunty susan's birthday and she had these special candles that said "dont ask" instead of the usual candles. haha cool huh? anyway so the normal birthday candles were lying on the table and this is the conversation that took place...

mum: eh let me see the candles...

uncle raphael: for what?

mum: i want to see what they are made of!

me: erm.... wax? *goes into a laughing fit*

like DUH-UH!!!!!!! hahahaha gosh!

ok next. my father.

oh boy, he drove home from keppel marina club (near vivo) half asleep! ok he usually goes into this weird routine where he starts to shake his hands and head and goes forward and backward. but today it got worse cos he was practically nodding and you could see his eyes closing! he jammed break at the traffic lights and almost hit a car at the ECP bedok exit with the excuse that he wanted to cut in front of the car when it was slightly IN FRONT of him. please explain to me how that is even minutely possible when the car is in front? :D my poor sis was sitting in the centre and the seat belt refused to work... so she hung on to me and tried to keep her eyes closed, only to realise she had to open them so that at least she could pre-empt any jam breaks... haha you need an adrenaline rush? just sit my dad's car man. i may drive fast and fierce, but i think i still drive safe. anyway i cant seem to hold my tongue when he drives cos it really irritates me how he drives damn slowly, puts the aircon at 27 deg (to which i will ask why doesnt he just wind down the window and save petrol since its as good as having the outside air in the car :D), doesnt signal, goes on neutral when we are MILES away from a red light and then has to reaccelerate bcos he underestimated the distance, and switches off his headlights at traffic lights, while turning into dark carparks bcos he thinks its too glaring for pedestrians.. well i would think its better that they find it glaring now then when they cant see the car, kena knock down and then will never see light again :D ARGH! haha ok yes anything to do with irritants on the road, thats my pet peeve. :D thats why i'd rather drive then be driven. sigh what to do? im impatient, fiery and aggressive on the road. hmm maybe i should take up racing eh? ok thats it im going to get nagged at. HA!

my quirky parents... :D

both drive me nuts, one figuratively, the other, literally : )

leaving a mark

2008-10-30T23:55:00.006+08:00

Its the last day of school!!!! officially lah but still have to go back and hand in assignments. Gosh, this sem and year has passed so quickly its amazing. and yet, within such a short time frame, so many things have happened, so much has changed, so much has been discovered and so much has been said. but whatever it is, its all in the past, you just gotta trudge along and keep moving. anyway, today was good cos i managed to complete my gym assessments with a watered down version of what i had plan. a pity i couldnt do a handflip at the end and a backflip during my group segment because i cant exactly jump. :D but ah well, at least its over, still managed to perform it well enough so hopefully id get the marks i am hoping for. anyway, i finally found someone who shares the same wish as me... to go miami!!!! MARI!!!!! :D and we both want to go miami ink!!! gotta start saving up now! we're so crazy we even have our designs planned... although the trip is in like 2 yrs? hahaha its amazing how we both had the same idea and plan! cant wait!!!! whee! ok im mad but its really exciting, something im totally looking forward to! other than that nothing much has happened lah... still gotta get thru PAINFUL exams but thankfully i end on the 18th... ok NTU folks, i shant rub it in further ")

aights i'll post the photos for gym another day cos 1. i need to sleep and 2. i dont have them : ) oh but one last thought. today somehow the topic on how im so nonchalant about everything came up during my conversations with different friends. really, i dont know how i do it... be so calm even in the most absurb things that people say or do or in most situations? like mari says, the only thing that gets an immediate reaction from me is when im driving and some drivers irritate me. haha anyone who has sat in my car can attest to that seeing the amount of swearing i say every time i drive :D but oh come on, they are.REALLY.irritating k? especially cos im always rushing and they are always road hogging... or idiots who tailgate when im like very near the front car already???? haha these very idiots should never try to overtake cos i find immense pleasure in tormenting them by driving next to them when they cut out into the second lane, and sandwiching them between the car in front of them and me! :D yes im a sadist... but only when you piss me off. ha ha. so. DONT TRY. yup but other than that im pretty cool about everything cos firstly, im a firm believer of whatever happens, happens, next, i let go pretty easily, get angry or react at that instance and its over, and lastly, i have short term memory so i can hardly recall things to back up my argument or even remember any past feuds. haha yes my sis and i have a memory capacity of a goldfish :D sigh. ok nothing more to muse about! here's some designs im toying about in my mind.

oh one more thought. i have developed a sudden aversion to the word 'confused'. its really just an excuse of fearing the unknown, fearing the step of taking a risk and a safe excuse to prevent a step forward. the best way really, is to just let things happen as they happen.

a roundabout made, caused a stir right in the heart where things had stilled, where things mattered.

in reverse

2008-10-28T00:22:00.003+08:00

enough about my foot already! its time to move on. anyway, just a thought about some people in my Life. how in the past week things seem to go back in reverse. funny how i look at it both ways. its a step back but technically a step forward too in some circumstances. either way, im still stuck not knowing what to do, what to expect, whether to just let everything go or well, dwell for a while longer. while for certain yous, it may be a step forward, a form of closure or it may be the usuaL step back, as you rethink, second guess and totally screw things up again. ha. either way i guess, it is still, bit by bit aiding my step forward. lets just hope by the time the second guessing and apprehensions stop, you wont regret and i wouldnt have relinquished everything.

a missed opportunity is when fear confuses you. stupidity is staying on because of fear while knowing you are not entirely happy. together, you are confused by your stupidity. and at the end, you become alone.

cages & baggages

2008-10-26T22:23:00.006+08:00

my inability to be on the track, to run, to race, is killing me. was at the stadium yesterday for ivp, and it felt so weird to not be a part of something ive always belonged to. especially watching the relays, it was really.heartbreaking. wished so much i was running, sprinting. gosh! even walking on the track for phototaking felt... oddly, good. : ) yes i guess thats how much a part it is of me. im eagerly anticipating the day im back on the track, to get my foot on it... didnt think i would feel so down at the stadium, but it suddenly felt like something so precious, so close was taken away from me. really, everyone asks when i will stop running. i cant answer that simply bcos if i dont think i ever will. as said before, sprinting is my identity, its who i am, what i identify with.

that said, sometimes i feel that because its who i am, who people identify me as, some use it against me. i love track, i always will but please, do not make it seem like a burden, an extra responsibilty. it is simply my life, different from how others live, but not any more superior or inferior. its just a lifestyle, i chose, a lifestyle unique especially in our society. but yet, that shouldnt create a barrier from everyone else. it doesnt mean that i shouldnt be doing what my peers are doing. yes i need to be more disciplined, live a lil differently, but i seriously dont think living a lifestyle that everyone else is living, should be called thrashy. are you saying that well, everyone around me, incl those in my family who are young adults, live thrashy lives? the bottom line is, i dont appreciate the use of track to attack me, put me down, rub salt into my wounds, make criticisms about my size, character and life. i am living the athlete's life, i am competing, i am the one injured, i am the one balancing everything, i am the sprinter. not you. if you want to support me, i really appreciate your advice, support, encouragement, constructive critcisms. but when it gets personal, when you encroach on my space, dignity and freedom, im sorry but thats crossing the line. no matter who you are, i think i deserve more respect than that.

thats why i seldom talk to you, because, 1. i dont know whether what im saying is right 2. i dont know if what im saying is going to launch a personal attack on me 3. is going to end up with negative reinforcements, threats, taunts. 4. if you talk to me, its always with an unpleasant tone that will only make me hate you more, 5. i dont know if you will ever just be a willing listener, although i bet a hundred bucks you would say i shouldnt talk to you if i dont want your opinion. well then you see, you are perfectly spot on. cos thats why i seldom turn to you, seldom tell you how im feeling, seldom am alone around you, seldom talk much at home cos i know when i leave the table, more often than not the topic is about me. and lastly, simply bcos i fear any action i make might trigger an unpleasant interaction id much rather avoid in my already very hectic life. i dont know when i will ever be comfortable talking to you, turning to you as a confidant and not just as an authority. as much as i pray that one day these wounds will heal, i know they have not, at least not yet. but today's homily did put things in perspective, calmed me down ALOT and allowed me to post a more dignified and calmer post. maybe one day that day will come, maybe it wont, but at the end of the day, God has purpose, a plan, and maybe we are here to make saints out of each other : ) and well through it all, i know, i still have to love you mum.

a baggage, a wound, a need to heal, forgive, and love.

a close call.

2008-10-24T17:43:00.003+08:00

REPOST! ok for those who read my initial post, im changing it cos its abit too mean and i know that at the end of the day, everyone means well. yup so anyway, my moment of truth came today... went to get an MRI done and my foot is pretty close to fracturing. good thing - its not fractured. bad thing - anything can trigger it. so yes im pretty much stuck in limbo still. sigh. dr cormac said if i do any sprinting now, it might just give way, and becos its at the foot, it will effectively put an end to my running career cos its damn hard to treat. well nothing much i can do except keep my spirits up and look forward. as someone said, look past this and prepare for SEA Games 09. gosh i love optimistic people cos you really help keep me going, and are God's gift of hope. : )

so yes at this point, i shall bring in my point which i posted prev. people, i know you mean well? but please do not keep harping on the fact that im sad, upset, worried etc. i really do not need you to remind me to be miserable bcos i really do not want to be! yes its hard for me, i am upset about being injured but im really trying to look beyond it and start dealing with the recovery and really move on. and i also dont appreciate having to be reminded about living in regret? i too wish i didnt go all out in gym but really, its a module that i could score in and i guess i was overeager? but again i dont like living in regret? so yes i acknowledge my mistake and im moving on. so pls pls pls do not talk about it again cos it really agitates me simply bcos i can only ask u and me "so what can i do about it now?" really, give me a choice between ANYTHING and ANYONE, with the exception of God, and I.WILL.CHOOSE.TRACK. sigh. yes i know i have to be more cautious, more aware, and yes i can only have regret. but im sorry. im not ready to hang on and think about it repeatedly. im not here to replay it through my mind and i dont need anyone to do it for me. its over, im injured, i cant run now, its time to rethink my training schedule, deal with this and get stronger.

so yes again, thank you to all whom ive been able to open up to and have just listened and kept me positive. i can tell you its a struggle, especially since this yr hasnt been very smooth either. but still, thank - you for helping me see far and know that there is a bigger plan : )

backing away to a new start.

dread.

2008-10-23T01:07:00.003+08:00

how bad can things get? how bad can a week get? well, im still falling. things are breaking, people are bailing. hmm it can get REALLY bad i guess. but its ok let me mope. i'll get out of it. just pls dont mope with me either cos i dont need the world to get miserable with me. just let it be, let me be and i'll get out of it. i always do anyway but pls understand that i need time. maybe im being in denial now, or just being SUPER optimistic but im still thinking its just VERY bad bone bruising. : ) thanks anyway to all who've been there. appreciate the concern and presence. just gotta keep my head up, fight back and get back on track, literally. ha. :D

down but not out

2008-10-21T15:02:00.004+08:00

when things are going so well, you tend to get carried away in your joy, failing to realise what detriment it can do, what pain it might inflict and what sadness it may bring. no not talking about heart matters now (i know for once right???? haha) talking about my love for gym and too much of it. sigh... jumped and landed too much till i stressed my foot. hopefully it wont develop into a stress frac which my doc has warned me about. have to wait and see if it gets better and yet everytime i step into the gymnasium i really cant resist prancing, flipping and jumping around. but what sucks most is how some fail to see the severity of such an issue, what it means to me, how it can change my life. i really cannot afford to stop training, stop sprinting, stop being on the track. really, i cannot afford to lose being a sprinter. cos then id be losing my identity... sigh. i hope it gets better and i pray it gets better...

"its inevitable in sport that you'll get knocked down, rejected, outplayed, injured, but what reveals character is how often you get up, how fast. "

saw this quote once in the papers and thought it was a rather inspirational one. yes, ive been through injuries, ive gotten out of it, ive continued to seek my best.

i will get out of this. i will. i must.

aights dont want to talk about it anymore... so happy thoughts now cos life goes on and i get up and move on as well eh? yeah hmm became an amateur photographer yday cos had to take indv shots for jess who is having a mid life crisis due to her bitch of a boss. haha so shes thinking of jetting away as an air stewardess!!! :D we had to do take the photos in the function room where she changed in line with a pillar so the CCTV couldnt catch her. hahaha its a girl's school thing la... comes with being able to change in the open but inconspicuously. :D so here are some shots that she has allowed me to put "only the nice ones..." :D btw, im in the black and white phrase now... : )

so yes good luck in your application!!! go find a pilot too k!!!! haha kidding! but i know you want to lah... : )

thoughts 'four' days...

2008-10-19T14:55:00.006+08:00

okays im back!!! yes a 4 day hiatus is considered very long seeing how ive been blogging so often now... :D yups ivp day one is over!!! FINALLY! but im actually dreading next week's programme... 200m heats, 200m finals, 4x100m finals and 4x400m finals. yes 400m... havent ran one in TWO years!!!! kill me now somebody??? gosh just blogging about it brings back all the memories of a freaking aching butt!!!!! can so imagine myself lying on the floor, hyperventilating, cursing and swearing never to run 400m again only to know at the back of my mind that i might have to next year... hahaha talk about positive imagery man, tell me again, do i take sports psychology? :D sigh... 400m is the bane of my running life but oh well ive gotta do what ive gotta do yeah? so gonna kill mr loh... haha he promised that he'll drive my car back for me after my race. see even he knows its gonna be bad!!! ah ok enough about next week. when it comes, pls make sure all your handphones are on so i can call, cry and bemoan my dread and fears and what nots. hahaha argh.

alright. back to happy news! i retained my 100m title this year! : ) considering how i didnt feel too in form... not bad a timing since the headwind was -2.33!!!! THAT IS CRAZY OK. oh! but my greatest achievement yesterday has got to be my SHOTPUT!!!! i got top 8!!!!! fine... 7th out of 9.. yes laugh but hey! i beat 2 throwers wad! and i threw right after my 100m race k... so yes im very proud of myself! haha so bhb. :D but still... and the 4x100m was superb! totally enjoyed it!!!! its been a while since i actually got to chase and overtake seeing how i'm the one always being overtaken during our overseas comp. but kudos to my team mates as well! excellent passing, excellent runs, excellent trust! and as always, there will be officials who totally screwed up. had to double up as official cum athlete when it was me telling the athletes where to stand to avoid being DQ. can u imagine! the dumbass official didnt even notice that an athlete was standing 20m BEHIND the relay zone. i.e. she would have ran 140m!!!!! gosh! i wonder where all the funds go to eh? not to athletes, not to coaches (oh wait. to some selected, privileged, bootlicking few... ") ), not for our competitions nor for any form of training programme, not for providing us with adequate attire (actually it doesnt even cost them money to pass us what adidas gave them FOR US... but i guess it costs them less time typing a contract that i bet adidas doesnt know about, that says we have to use the attire for two years...) not for retraining their poorly lacking technical officials... oh man... the money doesnt seem to be going anywhere! hmm thats weird... cos it seems that they are always decked out in the best adidas attire, downing the most whiskeys, eating at the top end chinese restaurants with tables full of people i dont even know while the athletes are CHUCKED at the corner... and some people seem to be having more and more PAPER qualifications (note paper cos theres nothing more than that HA!) and enjoying particular company. sigh. seems like it should be called a company rather than an association since the perks seem to be "for staff only." :D ooh... i so love jacking them. haha take me on anytime man!!!! : ) everyone knows better than to quibble with me man. cos when i get nasty... just imagine a smaller version of my mum. :D

aights other than that, the week's been o-k i guess... been busy planning a trip to bangkok bcos EVERYONE is abandoning me wrt their holiday plans. :D but its o-k! cos ive got my own shopping trip with jess!!! cant wait! haha oh man, two girls, love chilling, love shopping, love talking. this is going to be a rocking girl's trip man!!! :D and speaking of trips... been planning to make a trip up to Miami!!!! did u see those beaches and scenery on CSI Miami??!!! its DAMN NICE! yeah i am totally serious about it... and if i do go there, im DEFINITELY making a trip to miami ink! ha! have my design in mind alr!!! totally rockass cool! unfortunately i cant seem to design it using the comp and im too lazy to draw it out. haha hmm anyone wants to come along???? :D yups thats all i can think about at the moment! of cos there are heart matters which i'd rather not discuss too detailed-ly lest some think im THAT stuck and THAT lost and THAT sad. which i am not bcos really i live life with a "whatever" attitude. ha! whatever comes comes, whatever goes goes, whatever happens, happens. :D of cos letting go isnt THAT easy... but you know... lest some get THAT concern and THAT magnanimous. so yes no thank you. save you the trouble and save me the frustration and hatred and resentment. for you. btw. :D anyways, ok heres abit. i managed to do something with the help of mich... called a lil step towards detachment. haha and its good cos no point harping or thinking about it when nothing's happening. AGAIN. and it never started anyway. so we'll just wait and see, while i concurrently try and take teeny weeny minute steps away. Hey! at least im trying. ha!

dont bother reading the fine print. :D

a dedication.

2008-10-15T23:06:00.003+08:00

Yups! Havent said anything about this though i knew it a while ago but anyway... i got the Sportswoman of the Year award by NTU!!! :D received it today at the Nanyang Executive Centre and had to deliver a speech that was more nerve wrecking than standing at the startline!!! haha yes yes i have stage fright O-K... :D

anyway, here's the speech i wrote and gave... didnt expect myself to get emotional talking about my uncle but i did. sigh still miss him and always will. aights here's my speech and some pics!! :D

Good evening Dr Su, Prof Er, NTU staff members, distinguished guests and fellow athletes. It is indeed a great honor to receive this award, and I am deeply appreciative for this opportunity. This award not only recognizes my efforts and achievements in the sporting arena, it will also serve as a great motivation for me to work even harder in my future sporting endeavors. I am sure I am not alone when I say that it is VERY difficult to balance university life with a competitive sports involvement, and for this I must thank NTU and NIE for their generous support.

Having been running for 10 years now, (since I was 10 actually) I must say it has been a long and at times arduous journey, having sustained a few possible career ending injuries, setbacks, losses and times where quitting just seemed the easiest way out. I recall my most difficult years, between 2003-2006. During those 4 years, I missed running at my best for the last 3 years of National Schools having torn my arch in 2003, contracting a liver virus in 2004, and tearing my hamstring in 2005. It was a great struggle for me, as I had failed to perform at the highest school platform locally, resulting in me missing out on major meets such as Asean Schools and the Asian Junior Champs. Getting into the national team was also intense, and up until 2006, I was always ranked in the middle. Even being on top now is a struggle as I have always believed that consistency is what proves your worth. Being in an individual sport also means having to balance the line of friendship and competitor, something extremely difficult since my competitors, are also training mates and close friends. Yet, the most difficult time ever, was in 2006 when I lost my uncle suddenly. He passed away while running an army biathlon, and THAT was my most major setback ever. It struck fear and hatred in me, as I had lost my uncle because of running – something I loved doing, it was so sudden, so painful and so heartbreaking. But I dug deep and found strength in his words “in the race of life live to be your best” and dedicated every run thereafter to him. I succeeded. I broke the junior record that year and went on to represent Singapore at the 2007 SEA Games, breaking 2 national records there. Indeed, I have found this journey particularly fulfilling and something unique to me. Being an athlete, I strongly believe that THAT is what defines me. In fact, I would go even further to say that being a sprinter defines who I am. But, this journey has not been achieved alone. And so tonight, I will dedicate this award to a few special people.

To my family which includes my uncle’s family, for their undying support throughout the past 10 years.

To my dearest uncle, who has been and always will be my motivation to live and to run my best.

To my dearest coach, whom I fight with, bargain with and celebrate with, Mr Loh, for your selflessness and dedication training and helping me in and outside of athletics : )

And most importantly, to God, the one I ALWAYS turn to before races and through my toughest moments. Little did I realize that what I had been blessed with was an opportunity of a lifetime, an identity so unique, the chance to pursue my dreams and the memories of being a somebody.

So to end off, I shall share my personal philosophy that has kept me going through my hardest times – Passion before glory. Simply put, glory will only get you as far as your previous success and first lost. Passion gets you to your first success, past your first lost, and beyond your limitations. With that, I wish all of you the best in your future sporting endeavors.

Thank you.

Giving the speech

my dearest coach! mr loh!!!! :D clowning around before the actual pic...

the best coach ever! the actual pic!
mr loh's pose! haha
my family!!!
"I will run the race and finish it, in memory of my uncle, with the strength of my God."

true disgust.

2008-10-15T08:13:00.002+08:00

is it that difficult to find true friendship? people whom you can talk to and turn to, who wont turn their back on you. people whom you can share your thoughts, joy, excitement, worries and pains with, knowing that they wont do any harm to you. trusting them that they wont tell on you and share with others what you told them because it may do more harm than good. its amazing how as you grow older and wiser, you find that your true friends dwindle in numbers, that the people you can trust are not necessarily those whom you have been friends with for ages. its odd how i always never believed in making as many friends as possible because to me thats superficial friendship and sorry but i dont have the time to be superficial, to just be a hi, bye friend, someone you can hang out with but feel absolutely guarded when talking to. its odd because at the end of the day, despite initially feeling lonely and second guessing my stand, i think i was right all along. sadly, in the past week i have found that some people i called close are not as i thought they would be. and when one of them is someone you once called a team mate, i dont really know what to say except that, that is disgusting.

to think that trust can be so easily lost simply because you couldnt keep your damn mouth shut.

then let me tell you. it takes a second to lose my trust and years to gain it back.

celebrating 21.

2008-10-13T23:44:00.000+08:00

OK FINALLY!!! :D my blog post on my birthday bash! was too tired to post the past few nights and even tonight so shall do a quick one! look out for edits the next few days!!! haha well it was a great night of food, music and chilling out! A big shout out to my dearest sis and tricia who helped to decorate the place, making it look sweet, chic, cool and simply perfect! to my dad and mum, for helping to set up and clear everything!!! THANK YOU!!! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!! :D but most importantly, for celebrating it with me despite all the hassle... thank you! so yes enjoy the photo illustrations and captions!!! : )

The invite (I DESIGNED IT!) :D

the nicest card of the night! made by claire!!!!
The guests...

a good mix of young and old, but all just as set to party!
the infamous zebra kor kor and the trend setter for geek fashion!

shy trying to convince nuriah that clubbing will heal her knee... haha nice try!

my dearest trackers...

im so going to die for the next pic... :D

spot the similarities!!!
the married and the single... or should i say, the dated and the dating... haha oops!

the cake. SUPER good! :D

Gosh... how time flies... This photo was taken during my 1st birthday!!! haha well 21 years on, i can say it has certainly been a journey that i thoroughly enjoyed! all the overseas trips that track has taken me to has certainly been one of the highlights! of cos not forgetting the records and just being given the talent to sprint. of cos there are certain things i would want to change but well what happens, happens, what has happened has happened. At the end, we can only learn from our mistakes, laugh at them and let them go. made 2 wishes and none have come through yet haha although im not so sure about one of them now... alrights. so here's to a new step forward, a new step ahead! let's just hope that things can only get better now! :D so to end of... just wanna say a BIG thank you to everyone who came to my party!!!! You certainly made it a memorable one!

lots of love,

amanda.

a presence missed, an opportunity to let go? sigh... i still dont know :)

friend-ly realisations

2008-10-11T12:51:00.005+08:00

ok some emo reflections from turning 21. haha after this post will be happy thoughts! :D

its rather amazing how on the day when you get well wishes, you also get people who have an axe to grind, a point to prove, a vengeance to take. haha not that i give a damn after i curse at you, but its just utter disgust that fills me. how you can send something so curt, and still think you are being benevolent. gosh to think that after recent confrontations, frank posts and subtle avoidance, the idea of magnanimity is still in you. seriously, who the hell sends a birthday wish that ends with a curt farewell ( im just being non straightforward here bcos a confrontation is not necessary. and because i'd rather not have communication at all. bye.) ha! gosh i just dont get it! but its ok. curses have been made, vodoo dolls have been pricked (im kidding!!!!!!), and the final nail on the coffin of confirmation and "thank God i did it!" has been nailed. haha ok enough said.

next thought, next person. comparisons and expectations only create a harder fall, a greater disappointment, and a reflection of what is considered true ties, what you are worth, what you really mean. well i guess a post i previously posted and then deleted was right after all. thought i was just being petty and emo but well sadly, i was spot on. no this isnt about the usuaL someone el-se, its just about someone i thought was close.

ok finally, the Last thought.

a simple message, short and sweet, an absence that made it incomplete. :D

@ 21

2008-10-10T00:24:00.007+08:00

FIRSTLY! fine... zijian. you won your bet. hahaha shites. didnt think 'that' someone would remember or bother... :D but well fine I LOST. so here's my forfeit... actually its ironic cos i was hoping i'd lose. : ) okok. im going to get on with it. yes sadly, on the day that i said i would let go, walk away and forget, i cant. (argh zijian i hate you for making me say this on my birthday... haha) oh wait. before anyone or someone misreads this, this forfeit is about something el-se, something that not many people know about, that i will never mention to anyone outside my circle of trust. i.e. the gang and just a few others. haha im suppose to admit that as much as im trying to give it up and walk away, i cant. which well... is true. i just cant seem to let it go though it never started. i guess thats why im called stubborn lah huh... haha u just cant turn away from what you've never experienced can you? of cos with the exception of experiencing fear factor coackroach style (my ULTIMATE phobia) :D ha. gosh. i really cant say more because this is the closest ive come to not writing between the lines and im not going to give anymore away! :D as it is, this prolly makes it obvious that most of my previous posts were about someone el-se. haha hmm at least tt clears things up abit as well so GOOD. :D ok done. happy jian?!

yups so im 21!!! goodness. finally man. hated being like 'barely there' :D lets hope the party rocks!!! sex and the city lets dress to party! : ) ok im really tired and abit screw loose la sorry. lets just say leading up to tonight was a culmination of things that i was really ecstatic about! i finally relived my childhood at gym lesson today!!!! pranced around as if it were a playground... gosh miss those primary school days... : ) so today i finally accomplished my lifelong ambition to do a backflip unassisted!!! :D man. really gonna miss gymnastics when this sem ends. wow thinking back, time really flies man been running for like what. 11 years now? goodness lasting a decade didnt even cross my mind. well its been a good 11 years, a good 21 years, had my fair share of tears and pain, celebrations and happiness. as i go into a new phase lets just hope things get a lil better, a lil clearer and a whole lot happier. :D

Two decades on, the best thing that ive learnt is trusting in God. Dear God, thank you.

christina aguilera anyone? sheryl knows whats next. :D

2008-10-09T00:09:00.004+08:00

ok i NEED to post this because it TOTALLY cracked me up while i was in the toilet!

me: eh so saturday confirm ah?
sheryl: oh the movie ah? its called what ah... 'being christina aguilera' right? what is it about?
me: huh? what did you say????!!!! *goes into a laughing fit IN the cubicle*
me: VICKY CHRISTINA BARCELONA lah!!!!! *proceeds to laugh again*

gosh. totally cracked me up man... now THAT you cant blame the braces k... :D haha

yups so that was THE moment of the day man. came to the decision today that i shall make no forced decision or go in any forced direction since either way, i know i'll never really be able to execute it completely. (i noe i suck... sigh...) so finally, i've just decided to go with the flow and see where they all go : )

sometimes the best control is to not control. sometimes, its just best to let it all unfold.

comfy is the new attitude.

2008-10-07T23:13:00.003+08:00

welcome to the BEST lecture ever where you can sit as you like, for both lecturer and students! its management btw, where we read from ceilings remember? haha lessons are at the journal room to begin with, not a classroom but the lecturers' meeting room. cool huh. so yes here's a glimpse at the coolest lecture ever, with the calmest lecturer and the uber calm students. too calm and too comfortable in fact. :D

shy has got to be THE most comfortable one.

how calm can we be? i bet the lecturer saw us. haha

check out our legs above and below!

and a peek from below. super chor lor can. haha told you we are VERY comfortable.mich... TOTALLY. :D

Dr. Pyun sitting on the TABLE with legs on the CHAIR. haha
and bernard is NOT reading lecture notes. hes on gmail. haha

after that it was time for the unveiling of sheryl's new haircut!!! ok im not going to say anything except that it looks refreshing! : )

dont be so sad even if you look like someone! :D

so yeah that was pretty much it for the day which could have ended better... :D hmm well oh yes, i threw a shot put today cos im taking part in shotput for IVP!!! ok i cant say more because i still cant believe it either. haha prolly be the smallest on the field lah... so embarassing! alights pretty sure im going to ache tomorrow!!! sigh and ive got gym. ah well ok anyway im still as confused as before. haha whats new eh. how difficult can it be to make a decision right? but i guess, its always difficult when the thing you are deciding means that lil bit more. and well, it does. : )

in with excitement and out with nonchalance. left is mess and right is to walk away. easier said than done. ha.

a day closer to a time for change

2008-10-07T00:37:00.006+08:00

Gosh the days are passing really fast!!!! in like 4 days time im going to be old. ok all those above 21 will want to kill me now. haha but seriously... was just talking to siaomei the other day.... now when im on the track, i seriously feel old. no longer junior, no longer teenish... but then again, i think im looking forward to friday. kinda feels like a fresh start, a new phase, and a first credit card!!! haha ok i just want it for all the free entries (ok fine ONE free entry) and discounts. :D yup well today started of with the super boring lecture again that as nuriah said "every week i wonder why i bother to come to this lecture...". really. all we do is talk (ok whisper), eat (ok most of the time only me and my cranberries :D), take photos (fine im the one who starts it...) and sleep (NOT ME! its shy!!!). oh and did i mention, just skip it altogether (this one CONFIRM sheryl... :D). ha. its that boring that all we can think about when its over is that we've gotta rush to the canteen before the queue gets long. hahaha teachers.... yup ended the day with a nice chill out time with jess (my physio) haha used to be until she left SSC... sobs. but it was great cos shes FINALLY back after 2 weeks away!!! yay!!! :D talked about how we totally feel jaded by two people, so alike in many ways that i cant say that we totally want to hate them, slap them and kill them. how can ANYONE be like that??? argh... well shes moved on and im on my way there too... i need to and i want to? because really, as shy asked me... "do you really see yourself..." and deep down i know the answer. as said before. on the 10th maybe. as a new year, new phase begins, maybe it is time to take a new step in a different direction. i just hope when the time comes, i'll hv the guts to do it, cos right now, for sure, i still doubt myself as much as i doubt you.

Da pimp!
(jian i just realised all the girls linked to you can be linked to food.)

keeping quiet and looking sheepish cos mich thinks theres a lecturer behind her. haha GOTCHA!

i told you only shy sleeps. not bad still looks like hes listening...
my stash in my new bag! tts my comfort pocket with my jodi picoult book, cranberries, camera and sweets!

this is the most common injury sustained by our class. 3 victims and please stop counting.
mich going through the reverse phase in her life :D trying out my super girly birkees!

he's only wide awake with his sayang!

even the injured can be such cam whores haha :D

where's the finger guys?! then that will be yours truly, sheryl... : )the ladies... haha i shant say more or mich will kill me.
how you slide in and out, walk in and out, text in and out, amazes me. yet. words are always simply just words.

a sudden dislike for shopping malls.

2008-10-05T22:09:00.005+08:00

i really wonder why with such an unapproachable appearance and a temper to go along with it, some people in my life, can actually walk in and out of it with so much ease. quite frankly, i feel like a shopping mall. you know, you walk in, do whatever you want to do, window shop when you have nothing to do, buy something when you have a need, create a mess and leave a mark, just like what you do with my heart. then you leave when you have done what you needed to do, only to revisit it again a few days, a week, a month later because it is that easy to walk in and out. because you know it will always be there for you to go back to. argh. seriously, dont say, dont tell, what you dont mean. because at the end of the day, it just might be me walking in and out, and really, i just might not walk back in.

a million things i want to say, but you are just too erratic i hardly have the chance to.

my "girlfriends" :D

2008-10-05T02:09:00.004+08:00

MY FIRST 21st BIRTHDAY celebration!!!

advanced but still a whole lot of fun! :D

it was back to JC days with me being the only girl among the usual guys... haha as always they counted me as half a guy. sobs. im really as girly as i can be o-k... mind my occasional chor lor-ness... haha hmm havent talked about them on my blog before but really those were the good old days. yup it was usually just me with the bunch of guys cos we all didnt take Lit and most of us were always in the worst banded class for maths and econs. haha seriously, they were the only reasons i actually didnt mind being in NJ... totally hated the culture there. but we were kinda like the outcasts cos we were all appeal students and while everyone aimed to do well for their studies we aimed to do well in our CCAs, which of cos we all did! :D hmm really miss those days man... totally can recall how we used to go coronation and eat at prince, skip classes and escape from school by crawling under the gate or faking an appointment and getting blue slips... hahaha told you we didnt fit into the NJ mould... it was really funny how we communicated as well since i totally suck at chinese while they would converse in it. so it was like they speak in chinese, i reply in english... haha i became so used to it that if anyone spoke to me in chinese, i have totally no qualms about replying in english!!! gosh, now thinking back, i have so many memories and had so much fun! was never really into girly girl stuff so really enjoyed hanging out with the guys, bitching, going for PE, hanging out at the canteen, being their audience when they practiced their dances for special occasions in school, ordering them around... hahaha boy was it fun man. well, just glad we still hang out and get along very well. glad that we never really drifted apart despite them having to go for NS. glad that above all, they provide the listening ear, never judge and never betray my trust by telling others.

yups so the day started with us meeting at raffles city where they went shopping with me for my birthday gift - a river island bag!!! haha told them i wanted to choose my gift lest they get something i wont use. clever right? :D then we were off to TIMBRE where we had good food, drinks and a fantastic band, Goodfellas! It was such fun chilling out, soaking in the music, downing kamikaze and sex on the beach shooters, and sharing erm rather interesting and personal secrets. haha and they were really sweet with vin running off on the pretext of making a phonecall to get a cake for me!! : ) so yes these are my "girlfriends" cos seriously, i tell them stuff i wouldnt even tell to any girlfriend, they know alot more than any girlfriend knows about me, have done alot more than any girlfriend would be willing to do, and they've never judged me as some friends would.

so dearest shiwei, gordon, henry, terence and vin... thanks for the wonderful day! lots of love! :D

My Birthday cake.
a collaboration of hands to keep the candle from going out while i made my wish!

the good old gang. my best mates!

vin, me, gordon, terence, henry, shiwei

the test of a true friendship is the test of time. years may have past, we may have drifted but through it all, i know i will always have you to fall back on.

truly, this is friendship.

thanks guys!

of celebrations & a simply wild time

2008-10-03T18:55:00.007+08:00

Firstly... DEAREST JIAN!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! :D

Next up... DEAREST NURIAH, SHY and HAKIM!

SELAMAT HARI RAYA!!!! :D

yups the past few days have just been all fun, celebrations, laughter, partying and chilling! witnessed some pretty wild stuff man... haha only the MOS 4 will know... : ) well the hari raya hols was a good break albeit abit, oh wait, WAY TOO short. spent the day chilling out at home, and concussed around 10 man... super tired... then it was gym the next day at 830am!!!! tell me about it... barely awake and have to do, bone breaking, muscle tearing, shorts pulling... haha oops... stuff. about that. i laughed till i started crying man... :D was asking mich to sit down so i decided to give her a tug on her shorts... u know how it is with adidas shorts.. the rubber is usually very tight and the shorts is quite stiff right??? well i didnt notice her shorts werent the adidas one so i tugged at it and it came right down on one side!!!!! hahahahahaha : ) and i finally saw the lingerie (to put it nicely) that her mum bought which she was lamenting about cos of its ugly design!!! all i can say is, its not THAT bad mich!!!! haha if i say more im dead. but really, think about it! at least its a lucky colour!!!! :D okok shutting up... but yeah theres more to it!! so mich tied the string of the shorts real tight to prevent further exposure. then came AED lesson and we were rushing to the toilet cos she was really urgent and i had made her wait for me to finish writing... so in we ran, and then i heard her cursing... cos she tied the string too tight she couldnt unfasten it and she was FREAKING urgent!!! fine fine sorry k??? at least i gave you a neck massage k!! haha and there after did a head bang between you and jian... oops... ok what at least i took revenge on jian for you!!! :D so yah thurs was pretty wild from the start till the night ended at 4... haha lets just say we partied hard, downed hard, made some pretty daring moves (only jian actually...haha) and a few lucky escapes : ) alrights, in memory of some of the girls jian hooked up and almost hooked up with, here are some photos of cayla.

the youngest chao ah lian.

complete with sexy mole! haha :D

check out her tatoos!!!

and her super ah lian blue glitter painted finger nails!!!

plus! the way she sits and that super big red hair clip!

the best we could do was make her look abit more like chun li...

at least got style and abit of celebrity status lah huh... :D
once, twice, thrice, why am i still so nice?

again

2008-10-01T18:57:00.002+08:00

speechless.jaded.

the usuaL you.

2008-10-01T13:21:00.002+08:00

I hate the way you talk to me,
so randomly, so rare.

I hate the way you critique in my car,
I hate it when you don’t seem to care.

I hate your nonchalance during the day,
and the way you push me away,

I hate you so much when you make plans,
and then you back away.

I hate the way you always take a step forward,
I hate it when you then step back.

I hate it when you make me hopeful,
even worse when you make me sad.

I hate it when you’re not around,
and the fact that you didn’t call.

But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,
not even close;
not even a little bit;
not even at all.

lose, loss, lost.

2008-09-29T18:01:00.009+08:00

alrights! with all the MEGA postings on cayla, i havent actually had time to muse about the past week. a rather intense, fiery and feisty week yet at the same time, a very empty and at times sinking one. a week where i made a loss, and a week where i tried to lose.

on the first note, frankly, im not superficial enough to drop by and say hi when i feel like it, contact when i feel like proving my superiority, and expect a confidant when i need one. neither do i expect myself to be a friend like that simply because that is called taking advantage of. really, i lost it. i lost my cool, i lost patience, i lost empathy. im sorry i was mean but im not sorry for what was said. im sorry im THAT frank and THAT feisty, but im not sorry because THAT is me. its just really frustrating when you can see something, send out MANY warnings and yet when it does occur, you get accused for not knowing enough while your previous predictions get forgotten. i know its mean to hit someone when they are down, but really, what if they simply never listen either when they are up? when is the right time? do you think i do not know what you want me to say? but i refuse because its time to look within and stop feeling maligned. im not superficial enough to say niceties for the sake of it. yes be upset and even angry, but at the same time, admit that you are not that great not because you made a mistake, but because you really did go off track. this is the real world. we cannot ever be consumed with ourselves or we will be swallowed by its materialistic ways and end up focusing only on the "getting" and never the "giving".

enough said. thats the last im ever going to say anyway.

moving on to a SEPARATE issUe (pls do not misinterpret that this is related to the above. entirely different subject/person/object OK!)... more importantly, as much as i have lost this week, there is something i really wish i could lose. all i want really is to get out of this, break free, take away the memory. because if it simply isnt going to go the right way, i'd rather not go down that way. how can one speak so intensely, so real and yet be so nonchalant? how do you do it? but yet as much as i wish it didnt start, im also glad it did? i cant seem to get out of it, to step away, but im pretty sure if given the option to step away before it all started, i wouldnt have chosen to either. gosh i sound so contradictory... but thats the point, im not sure what i want which probably explains why i cant seem to back off and turn away. really, hating is the easiest way out and waiting is the hardest way forward. but im lost and im not sure im prepared to really try to lose. at least maybe not now. 10th maybe?

what should have been the background became the backdrop to catch a glimpse. i found myself watching not to catch the highlight. i found myself watching to catch a glimpse of you.

THE SURPRISE TRIP!

2008-09-27T00:38:00.000+08:00

Finally! After 3 late nights, and 3 afternoons of lunch in front of the comp, i have finally done up the photos for the outing of the year!!! :D hard work ok piecing together the photos, editing them, waiting for stupid picassa to go from not responding to responding EVERYTIME i try to save a collage... haha but its ok cos it was all worth it! it was such great fun, had a time of my life, totally brightened up a week that has had me waking up with a sinking feeling... ah well tt'll be another post! : ) aights! i realised i havent actually said much about the outing... haha

so introducing the

OUTING OF THE YEAR! -

Cayla's surprise birthday visit to SENTOSA!

i kept her in suspense for a week and up until she reached the LUGE... her MOST FAVOURITE place EVER! she got a lil irritated and sad with me when i told her i was bringing her to the market to buy seafood so we could whip up some nice meals... haha but as cheery as she is, she kinda convinced herself that the market would be fine too... :D

yup so i roped in sheryl, zijian and evon to accompany us to Sentosa as her birthday surprise! picked her up from school but not before the 4 of us and danny went to eat Hei Mee at upper serangoon there... haha pigs... but it was FREAKING good after like a 1 month hiatus from going there due to school... so yes back to that day... after picking her up, we told her we were going fishing cos she saw the sea as we drove over the bridge... haha such liars! and then we took her to Palawan beach where we cut her cake and brought her over to the southern most point in asia... i told cayla too bad she couldnt read or she'd know where we were since "SENTOSA" was the biggest signboard at the entrance. hahahaha arent i mean... :D even at palawan she couldnt quite figure out where we were and we told her we were crossing a bridge (the one that leads to the southern most point) where we could fish... haha she got a lil sulky cos i think she didnt expect her surprise to be so boring... : ) even asked her what she was really hoping would be her surprise and she said she "really wants to go sentosa to sit the luge"... my response? "too bad..." hahahahaha mean me... :D BUT of cos, loving her to bits, i'd do what she really wanted right... so yes we took her the the LUGE!!!! it was great fun! sat it 3 times, speeding down each time of cos! and then as always with the gang, chilled out at sky bar and then off to simpang for desserts... haha :D

so... after much hardwork... enjoy a photo galore that will illustrate

THE OUTING OF THE YEAR...

dearest cayla, loving you to bits! love, manda che...

1st stop: Palawan Beach! island life! live it! :D enjoying the simplicity of life... if only life were a breeze...SURPRISE no.1!

The BIRTHDAY CAKE from Royals... sheryl trying to get cayla to take a bite so she can tuck in too! :Dthe not-so-thrilled look haha HAPPY 5th BIRTHDAY!

five is the new "peace sign!"
the children's web!

but only zijian dared to go down... haha

the "WHERE IS MY SURPRISE?! SOBS!" look. :D

told you she got sulky... hahanext stop "the bridge to fish!" :Dfine... the bridge to the southern most point of continental asia!

we made it!
Big Hug!

sweet! after such a looong trek across the bridge, we naturally needed a lil cooling off... haha

oh come'on it was QUITE long k... :D

@the pavilion... a perfect place to take wonderful snapshots, chill and clown!
your laughter is music to my ears... :D
zijian the kor kor and evon... with the motherly instincts. haha on our way to surprise no.2!

our pathetic attempt to jump on the bridge... haha

a perfect fit. yes yes sheryl's much honed camera skills... hahaGOTCHA! :D
and we're off after a dessert break at Kou Fu... SO EXPENSIVE!!!! haha
the agonising walk to surprise no.2! look at her face!
Surprise no.2!
see lah! sulk somemore! now look at that grin!
and then they all got TOO excited... :D
yes... she REALLY loves the luge... haha

didnt stop smiling since then.the look of impatience as we waited to get tix... measuring up! zijian can be the lifesize model lor!
and then it was time to fit the helmets! red for kids and blue/black for adults!

safety first!

especially if you are riding with manda che che... hahaha last pic before we start 'luge-ing' :D
all set and ready to go!!!!

cayla even instructed me to "go fast manda che che!" haha even she knows who to turn to for speed! : ) the mark of having 'luge-d!'the 'luge-rs' and the honeymooners... ")THE skyride!

much needed break after the adrenaline rush from the luge... view from the top. magnificent! 3 rides with the fave mates!

first up! SHERYL CHE CHE!

and then EVON CHE CHE!
and finally ZEBRA KOR KOR (she cant pronounce zijian... haha)
snapshots on high!
4 for $30 snapshots we paid for... so must share to make it more worthwhile!

actual prints are with cayla... haha and then it was OUR time...

chilling at sky bar... :D

an artistic moment...

the menu!
the latest advertisement to hit town! anyone needs a model? :D
the seasoned entertainer is being harrassed by a 5 yr old...

"sheryl che che the big fat pig" staring intently... bloody hell $30 photos BETTER look PROPERLY AH!!! haha
posing with the star!and after drinks come desserts @ simpang bedok!oh man this is hilarious! all thanks to evon's clever positioning of the camera! :D so dearest cayla...

HAPPY 5th BIRTHDAY!

love,

evon che che, sheryl che che, zebra kor kor and manda che che...

knowing and loving you five years on...

2008-09-23T22:30:00.012+08:00

dug through old photos from when cayla was just born till now... absolutely gorgeous, absolutely fabulous, absolutely magnificent. enjoy... : )

at birth...

at 3 months...

at 5 months...
at 10 months...and then i lost track... :D

Cayla.

CAYLA's 5th BIRTHDAY!

2008-09-22T14:20:00.001+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAYLA! : )

we celebrated cayla's 5th birthday yesterday with a surprise party at my place! should have seen the look on her face... it was a mixture of surprise, joy, confusion, embarrassment! haha she totally didnt expect it! even after her mum brought her birthday cake to our place with a lie that " this cake is for you to bring to school on your birthday" she still didnt get that the cake was part of the surprise until we brought it out to be cut! : ) so it was a night of surprises, good food, merry drinking, presents hunting, RICH chocolate cake indulgence, MEGA (171 shots!) phototaking, fun, laughter, joy, and most importantly, a celebration for the most wonderful gift... Cayla.

The Birthday Girl in her Birthday Chair!

The FIRST reactions...

only the first cos after that she gets wild! hahaThe Decorations!The Decorator...Told you the food was good! : )THE cook!

(do not attempt to ask for recipes... she cant remember... usually just goes by "a lil bit of this, a lil bit of that, and anything else found in the fridge " : DTHE GUEST LIST!

(ah kim, dad, me, claire, mum, che, aunty maureen, uncle larry, uncle raphael, aunty susan, aunty peng, uncle wah, melissa, uncle neil, aunty kim, Ma Ma) PRESENT HUNTING time!

cayla was given a card which claire helped in reading out. In the card were lil post-its with clues about where her presents were hidden.

"where you and uncle eddy play sleeping giant", "this is what you use to help gu gu clean the floor", "this is where you go when you want to play with gu gu's pots" and many more... : DHer biggest present!Her most eagerly anticipated present!

Build a bear clothes!The Birthday Dress!

bought specially by mying che che for her birthday! The Birthday Girl in her Birthday Dress...
aka. Miss Vainpot : )The RICH Chocolate BIRTHDAY CAKE!Claire the cake cutter!

who cuts the cake from various corners... :DCayla, Claire and Ma Ma! Hugs and Kisses EVERYWHERE!Looking through her presents!The Birthday Girl with her Birthday Cake!Caught in the sleeping giant's grip!Cayla and Gu Gu!Cayla with Manda che che and mying che che!The photographer! :D

cayla forbade anyone to watch her change... haha

The Matriarch : ) The MOST WONDERFUL gift.

Cute right from the start!

Little miss Blackie Locks... (goldie locks geddit??? :D)

My Little Darling... la la...

Dearest cayla, I thank God for the gift of you, the joy that you have brought, the laughter so infectious, the wit only you possess, the smile so bright. Seeing you grow up has been a wonderful experience, how your eyes were opened wide right after you were born, seeing those curly locks already so tight when you were just a baby, singing to you in australia in a desperate attempt to get you to sleep, watching you take your first few steps at Kota Kinabalu, being amazed at how you swallowed spaghetti without chewing, pulling out sotong when you choked (eewww... it was gross ok!), and of cos watching you chew on disgusting fisheyes and jelly chicken parts. you have been amazing to cuddle, a real irritant at times, but my darling always... on your birthday, i only pray that God will continue to bless you, protect you, and be with you always.

Happy Birthday Cayla!

Love, manda che che..

high five, baby five, one five, nose five, tickle five! : )

falling expectations

2008-09-21T22:16:00.004+08:00

sometimes it is better not to expect.

havent the slightest clue what is going on. it is the time of the dance again.
one step forward, one step back.
a dance danced by
you.

ME! : )

2008-09-17T20:16:00.005+08:00

"Keep going for your dreams and never let conformity stifle your aspirations. Everyone can party and chill out, but not everyone can do what we do. Not everyone is strong enough to be this determined."

suddenly remembered this quote i gave during an interview when i was asked what i would say to aspiring sportspeople... how apt it is that during training today, i finally realised i would never be able to lead a "normal" life and that i would never want to. that normalcy is beyond me and no matter how sometimes i gripe about having to lead a more hectic lifestyle due to my track commitments, its something that i would never want to give up. today, i finally realised why i had been feeling so empty the past few days. i had neglected the very core of who i am, what i have become, and what i will never let go of. i had traded my identity for normalcy, thinking that it was what i had been missing out all these years. but instead of making me feel a part of what life should be, it only made me realise why i had cherished being an athlete, a sprinter, so much. because thats where i formed my identity, became as head strong as i am now, as determined, as angsty, as competitive, as focused, as fiesty, because thats where i became a personalised me. it gave me the strength to break away from conformity, to see the real race where i belonged instead of the usual paper chase. it gave me the confidence to step out and do what i truly loved, what i was truly passionate about. it made me who i am, and who i will be. it is my comfort zone, my strength, it is what distinguishes me.

so often we forget the things that mean most to us as we seek to confirm, assimilate, blend in. yet in this world where fitting in and being a part of is so important, i desire to walk away, fight normalcy and be who i want to be. i detest a society so binded by perceptions, so guarded by opinions, so controlled by materialism. i refuse to conform to a society that reduces aspirations to mere dreams, pulling you down and forcing you to see through blinkered eyes that the best way for survival is through the coporate world where dreams dont matter unless it is solely focused on climbing up. nope no way am i ever going to go that way cos to me, i want to do what truly matters to me, be where i am most at ease, most happy, where i am in control of my identity.

my happiest moments, my dream, my reality.

in a moment of folly, i tried to fit in, assimilate into life thinking that it was all i had missed out. little did i realise that what i had been blessed with, was an opportunity of a lifetime, an identity so unique, the chance to pursue my dreams, the memories of being a somebody.